It Hurts The Most

I know I haven't been blogging, cause I don't feel like I want to anymore. But this painfun feeling in me has led me back to blog again to let loose everything that I don't want and don't need in my life.

Again... it's sad to say it's got something to do with my dad.... I don't understand why, but there's so much I hate about him. From the character, to the looks, to his heart... everything!

He may not like me being a christian, because he's not one. But what rights does he have to stop me from doing the things I love? I've got a job from SYFC... it's may consist of some christian stuff, but I told you it's more about activities and all... afterall, it's just a job, I get to earn money, you get some of the money, I get experience, I get joy... But why must you give excuses to stop me from going? I can tell from your look you don't want me to get involved! I know that you hate me raising up anything about Christianity. But, I've already told you the truth! Do you even know how much courage it took me to tell you a simple line? You know how many days I had to take to decide to tell you this? And do you know you've completely lost my love just by rejecting?

Another.... I've got church camp coming up. I tell you it's like any other camp, but you don't believe. Before I could tell you more, you shot at me saying, NO. You said it's better to go for the poly camp, but what has it got to do with the Church camp? They're on seperate dates! You don't have to make up another excuse to stop me. I already know you're not willing. I've prepared myself for the worse, but I still can't handle it.

That's not all... friends of mine get to go out where and when they like, for however long. They usually get (what I consider) large amount of money and sometimes still ask for more. But what about me? I get $5 for going out? Like come on! You are supposed to provide for me. You can't expect me to go out and eat only right! My friends will be buying things and I'll be the only one going home empty-handed. I've got reasons for saving my money. What's given is up to me to spend. But what you have not given, at least give me an amount that more reasonable... not just some $5!

I HATE YOU!!! In fact, I've got more than just these reasons to hate you!

Broken Hearted

There's just this day I feel like spending time by myself. Leave me in a lonely room to cry my heart out. At the same time, I wish to have someone who truly care and love beside me. Lend me a shoulder to cry on and wipe away each tear that falls from my eyes. Give me a hug that's ever so tight and warm. Say to me that everything's alright because I'm beside you now.

I really wonder how long I haven't felt this sad. It felt like last year.... But why this sudden sadness?

I've been hiding things from everyone all these while. How I wish I could just forget them so it will hurt me no more. But NO! The memory etched, the pain stays on, the tears flow. It's been so painful to know that the person whom you are not supposed to hate, you now hate the most. Despite all that love and care from him, I still hate him. Hate him not because he hasn't been good enough for me. But hate him for causing me so much hurt, so much sorrow and bitterness. The kind of pain that will last forever.... the kind of pain that no one will want... The kind of pain that........

It's hurting so much within. An added burden apart from my studies. It's so heavy, I can't take it anymore. How I long.... to never have to face him again. To never have to acknowledge him in my life. To never have to say I LOVE YOU or I FORGIVE YOU out of force, but to willingly and courageously say I HATE YOU, GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!

It's so much I have endured. I want to leave this place for good. I don't belong here.

I'm Back!

It's been ages since I've last posted. Guess I've been to caught up with facebook lately and don't even care a bit about anything else.

Yesterday was Gloria's Birthday:D Waited for midnight on 5th to wish her Happy Birthday with Sherman. This Sunday, we're invited to her S2C class for her birthday celebration. I can't wait till I get to MindChamps again to meet her.

Ain't suppose to be at MindChamps actually... ended my Grid presentation and was going to focus on studies. BUT nothing stops me when it comes to meeting Gloria, cause she's the most fantabulous person I've ever met in my whole entire life!!!

Plus I can't wait to be called for assist, cause I can actually use that to DPA me into Hospitality and Tourism in NP. How I will be called the next holiday so that I don't have to wait anymore and can use it for my DPA. But one thing... DPA also rely largely on academic results for MYEs.

It's so much stress these few months. Just had CAs before March hols. Then when we came back, we're told we'll be having another CA. And after the second CA, we'll have our mid-year before the structured lessons begins. How I wish we had more time. Time's simply passing too quickly for us to even imagine. Days are slow and dreary, but weeks and months fly.

Today's the last day of the 3-day BMW activity. Tomorrow is back to hardcore studies again. Nice break though. Btw, I totally fell in love with soccer already. Last year I played soccer for the inter-class games, and this year, I don't regret taking it up again. Though we didn't get into the finals, but we had great fun. I wish to play soccer every week now.

I'm off !

Sorry Jesus.

I look back at so many days.... days where I'm jusy having my own fun, laughter serenity and joy. I think of it as something really awesome, so to speak. But have I thought of how much I've glided? Have I actually realised that my pace is getting slower and slower, getting further and further from God?

My days have seemed so packed and I've been so left with this burden of countless things to complete. The homework and whatnots are weighing me down. Only through these stuff, did I pause to ponder. I just couldn't see clearly that I was drifting so far from God. Everything was so perfectly fine in the beginning... But gradually, I lost that heart. I know deep down, I lack something. Something important, something big. Never thought it would be my most beloved. He loved me, He saved me, He healed me...etc. Now, I'm just kicking Him out of the door of my heart. He's so innocent, yet He has to be tortured, rejected and left aside by me over and over again. I just can't bring myself to face Him in heaven when the time arrives.... there's a guilty conscience that disapproves me to do so.

I need to get back to my old days, where I was so deeply in love, so grateful, so "obsessed" with God. I miss those times. I have to once again invite Jesus to come into my heart, throw a party and rejoice. I need to keep that flame big and alive!

SORRY JESUS. You are now welcome to my new heart.

Poly Or JC??

After going to Nanyang Poly yesterday, I really have this urge to go Poly, esp Nanyang Poly, after my O'Levels. I want to take up hospitality and tourism management as my course. I want to learn how to manage customers, so that I'll be better at handling people in the future. Also, it gives me an opportunity to open up and get me prepared for my mission in the future. I'll never forget my dream of becomming a missionary. I have to complete my task before I leave this earth.

I will have to strive hard to get to poly and into hospitality and tourism management. It's 14 point only. I can't slack. So this means that during the holidays, I'll be on and off... I have to start studying hard for my O'levels next year. No time to lose. But for now, it's break time till my structured lessons are over.

PSYCHOLOGY!!!!

I love Anthony Robbins!!! He rocks! Just when I'm missing EU... Just when I thought I've lost the believe in myself again.... I found his seminar in YouTube. He's really awesome! It brought me back to EU moments again! So inspired.... so awed!

I'm now so captured by PSYCHOLOGY! I've been trying so hard to change people's life. It's magnificent to just listen to people's trouble and try to change their mindset, changing their lives. I want to major in Psychology next time! I MUST major in it! I love to change people's lives. Well.... I am going to be a missionary next time, and so I have to start young! I'm going to head in that direction now!

Lets get it started now! I am absolutely excited! I want to be like Tony! I'll find my own way to start my journey! Here I go!!!

I'm Bored...

Results are out.... Marks ain't that good. Not as I expected it to be. But I know one thing for sure, I improved a lot compared to the beginning of the year. My beginning of the year was majority F9. At least now, I know there's some D7 and even passes. But overall marks are not known to us yet.

Thaddeus is going for his 250km Sahara Run tomorrow. He left on Wednesday to Egypt. I'm feeling so excited for him. I'm sure he's going to finish the race and get those $$ for poor children. I can't wait till he ends and I ask him how was the run.

We're going to C.H.I.J.M.E.S on Monday. I haven't been there and don't know anything about it. And on Wednesday, we're going to Nanyang Poly. I can't wait for Wednesday! I want to know what they have in store for us. I am still thinking if I should go Poly or JC. This is a good chance for me to experience and see if there's anything that intrest me. Poly sounds like a better place for me to go, but thinking of the number of clothes I will have to buy...

Holidays are coming... one year has just passed. So quickly, yet so smoothly with the Lord. Thank God for being there beside me, always. Thank also for the wonderful friends he gave me from EU and CC. Thanks for the countless blessings He bestowed on me and everyone around me. I love Him for who He is, because He has first loved me.

"Two Ears But Only One Mouth" is the book I am reading now. It's a book by Dr Tan Lai Yong and his journey of life in Yunnan. Last year, Kuo Chuan Presbytarian and my school went to Kunming, China to experience this kind of life. I wasn't there, but I wished I was there. My dream is to be a missionary. And this can only happen, if I start young. But till today, I am either not given the opportunity to do so, or I am not prepared. I can't wait to go on a mission trip....let me test my faith on God. I love this book so much, cause it touches my heart. I got so engrossed in it, I read half the book in 2 days. I want to continue reading it tonight.

Hoping for my results to come out good. And hoping to reach my targeted rank of 20/41!

My Heart Aches

Dad has been sick since I don't know when. About 2 weeks ago, maybe. He hasn't stopped vomiting ever since. And I feel guilty. Cause I see him taking care of me even through this hard period. And everytime I think about it, my heart aches.

Aunty Lily... not sure if I'm right, but I think she's left this world for a good cause. God has brought her home, so that she don't need to suffer any longer. But she's so nice, even though I don't know her well, I still have the heart to think of her. I will miss her.

Grace, leaving school this Friday... How much would I miss her, especially after she's been so awesome. A sister she is, to me. Really wish her well for her mission trip to Cambodia for 1 month. Love you, miss you... keep in touch

Thaddeus... leaving Singapore this Wednesday for his run on Sunday. All for love... all for kids who just don't have the love and the money. I love you Thadd, for doing such an awesome thing.

And no more sorrow for tonight. I can't afford it, cause tomorrow is my results day, all the way till Friday. If I let these sorrow take over me, I don't know what would become of me when I get my results.

I need some comforting... Would anyone?

When I'm Bored....

Yesterday, went cycling with Dave. Wasn't really awesome, cause I had expected some leisure cycle, but it turned out that I was struggling my way back home in the end. We cycled to one end(opp from Changi direction) then turned around and cycled all the way to Changi Village for lunch. Walked around for a little while before we headed back to East Coast and then back home.
This journey sounds short, but the fact, it was super long. In all, including our lunch time, we cycled for about 6-7 hours straight. No breaks... that's what I call real torture, cause my longest was about 1 and 1/2 hours or maybe 2 hours, with breaks. And back then it was leisure cycling, not some speeding cycle.

Today, my whole body is totally worn out. Energyless. I want to continue to sleep, but my alarm clock, in me, just won't allow me to do so. I have been waking up as early as 6.45am the past few days, even though I sleep at around 11+ or so the previous night... but yesterday, not that late. Went to bed at 9 over, near 10.

Morning was leg exercise with all those tedious cycling. After I got home, it was hand exercise, washing so many stuff... ranging from the smallest wallet, to the dirtiest shoe and bag.

Yesterday did washing... today doing sewing. That's all i can do when I'm bored. I again, don't know how am I going to survive this holiday, besides the CC outing and maybe P6 overnighter in Church and CO camp in school. The rest is a little too boring. Thought of going to look for job, but what can I even do? And would my parents even allow? Lat year, working in my mom's office was fun. $300 pay for a just one month, not bad eh? I wish I could go back there to work again, but the boss now has his brother to do the job, so they are no longer lacking in workers. I find working awesome, compared to studies, but surely there the bad side of it when it come to permanant work too.

Lucky tmr we have school. But also bad news... cause it's results time:( I can't wait, but also I don't want them

YEAH!!!~

Ooooh Yeah! One more paper to go! I'm so happy! So overjoyed... elated... *nothing can express my high-ness*

It's A Maths paper tmr... not planning to do anything for it. Just remember formulas. No point hardcore do questions, study like crazy, then fail! So... yah... I just can't wait for exams to be over. It's about 12 hours more to END OF EXAMS for the year. Yay! I can't believe it! Then I can go out, have fun, go wild, go crazy! And also I can plan the outing and do the schedule, parent's consent form and packing list... proper. I can't wait for December! I'm getting overexcited too early, but I don't even care, cause I know nothing can kill my joy, now! HAHAAAA!

I'm going to survive till end of exams mann! Like seriously, I don't even think I can sleep well tonight.... will roll around, thinking of what would it be like after exams... then the post exams activities... but before that, the long weekends, cause it's saturday, sunday, monday(in lieu of deepavali), tuesday(marking day). Then only wednesday go back to school! Yay! So cool!!!

But then I realise that Grace leaving end of next week. Haizzzz... All the best for your mission in Cambodia! Will miss you D;

I don't want to go to bed, I don't want to do anything... I just want to go high and be as mad as I can. I'm so aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh HAPPEEE! Last paper! Last paper! Last paper! Wooohoooo!

Kay... I admit I'm going mad, way too mad. I thank EU for this. Sincrely thank EU!
Rang Wo Men Get High! End of Exams! End of S4L! End of November! December! OUTING! YAY!!!

WoooHooo!

Yay! I pulled through my Geography paper! Wasn't as tough as I thought it would be, but still didn't manage to finsh... not enough time. Lost 5 marks already.... But nevertheless, 110% effort put in to answering the questions.

Tomorrow's Emaths paper 2 shall slack a bit. I don't usually do any practice for maths, cause I never like doing that. I'm going into the exam hall with a head filled with formulas, that's all. Today shall be my rest day. Reward for working so hard the past few days. Maybe I'll revise Chen and Bio later during the night, but the afternoon is for my resting and de-stressing time.

I'm done with CC Outing's schedule already! Going to make a packing list and a parent's consent form for everyone. Mann! so taxing, but so fun. At least it brings me away from the exam stress:)