~GOD Is L♥ve~

It Hurts The Most

2010-11-15T20:37:00.002+08:00

I know I haven't been blogging, cause I don't feel like I want to anymore. But this painfun feeling in me has led me back to blog again to let loose everything that I don't want and don't need in my life.

Again... it's sad to say it's got something to do with my dad.... I don't understand why, but there's so much I hate about him. From the character, to the looks, to his heart... everything!

He may not like me being a christian, because he's not one. But what rights does he have to stop me from doing the things I love? I've got a job from SYFC... it's may consist of some christian stuff, but I told you it's more about activities and all... afterall, it's just a job, I get to earn money, you get some of the money, I get experience, I get joy... But why must you give excuses to stop me from going? I can tell from your look you don't want me to get involved! I know that you hate me raising up anything about Christianity. But, I've already told you the truth! Do you even know how much courage it took me to tell you a simple line? You know how many days I had to take to decide to tell you this? And do you know you've completely lost my love just by rejecting?

Another.... I've got church camp coming up. I tell you it's like any other camp, but you don't believe. Before I could tell you more, you shot at me saying, NO. You said it's better to go for the poly camp, but what has it got to do with the Church camp? They're on seperate dates! You don't have to make up another excuse to stop me. I already know you're not willing. I've prepared myself for the worse, but I still can't handle it.

That's not all... friends of mine get to go out where and when they like, for however long. They usually get (what I consider) large amount of money and sometimes still ask for more. But what about me? I get $5 for going out? Like come on! You are supposed to provide for me. You can't expect me to go out and eat only right! My friends will be buying things and I'll be the only one going home empty-handed. I've got reasons for saving my money. What's given is up to me to spend. But what you have not given, at least give me an amount that more reasonable... not just some $5!

I HATE YOU!!! In fact, I've got more than just these reasons to hate you!

Broken Hearted

2010-09-26T21:30:00.002+08:00

There's just this day I feel like spending time by myself. Leave me in a lonely room to cry my heart out. At the same time, I wish to have someone who truly care and love beside me. Lend me a shoulder to cry on and wipe away each tear that falls from my eyes. Give me a hug that's ever so tight and warm. Say to me that everything's alright because I'm beside you now.

I really wonder how long I haven't felt this sad. It felt like last year.... But why this sudden sadness?

I've been hiding things from everyone all these while. How I wish I could just forget them so it will hurt me no more. But NO! The memory etched, the pain stays on, the tears flow. It's been so painful to know that the person whom you are not supposed to hate, you now hate the most. Despite all that love and care from him, I still hate him. Hate him not because he hasn't been good enough for me. But hate him for causing me so much hurt, so much sorrow and bitterness. The kind of pain that will last forever.... the kind of pain that no one will want... The kind of pain that........

It's hurting so much within. An added burden apart from my studies. It's so heavy, I can't take it anymore. How I long.... to never have to face him again. To never have to acknowledge him in my life. To never have to say I LOVE YOU or I FORGIVE YOU out of force, but to willingly and courageously say I HATE YOU, GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!

It's so much I have endured. I want to leave this place for good. I don't belong here.

I'm Back!

2010-04-07T22:16:00.002+08:00

It's been ages since I've last posted. Guess I've been to caught up with facebook lately and don't even care a bit about anything else.

Yesterday was Gloria's Birthday:D Waited for midnight on 5th to wish her Happy Birthday with Sherman. This Sunday, we're invited to her S2C class for her birthday celebration. I can't wait till I get to MindChamps again to meet her.

Ain't suppose to be at MindChamps actually... ended my Grid presentation and was going to focus on studies. BUT nothing stops me when it comes to meeting Gloria, cause she's the most fantabulous person I've ever met in my whole entire life!!!

Plus I can't wait to be called for assist, cause I can actually use that to DPA me into Hospitality and Tourism in NP. How I will be called the next holiday so that I don't have to wait anymore and can use it for my DPA. But one thing... DPA also rely largely on academic results for MYEs.

It's so much stress these few months. Just had CAs before March hols. Then when we came back, we're told we'll be having another CA. And after the second CA, we'll have our mid-year before the structured lessons begins. How I wish we had more time. Time's simply passing too quickly for us to even imagine. Days are slow and dreary, but weeks and months fly.

Today's the last day of the 3-day BMW activity. Tomorrow is back to hardcore studies again. Nice break though. Btw, I totally fell in love with soccer already. Last year I played soccer for the inter-class games, and this year, I don't regret taking it up again. Though we didn't get into the finals, but we had great fun. I wish to play soccer every week now.

I'm off !

Sorry Jesus.

2009-11-07T16:57:00.002+08:00

I look back at so many days.... days where I'm jusy having my own fun, laughter serenity and joy. I think of it as something really awesome, so to speak. But have I thought of how much I've glided? Have I actually realised that my pace is getting slower and slower, getting further and further from God?

My days have seemed so packed and I've been so left with this burden of countless things to complete. The homework and whatnots are weighing me down. Only through these stuff, did I pause to ponder. I just couldn't see clearly that I was drifting so far from God. Everything was so perfectly fine in the beginning... But gradually, I lost that heart. I know deep down, I lack something. Something important, something big. Never thought it would be my most beloved. He loved me, He saved me, He healed me...etc. Now, I'm just kicking Him out of the door of my heart. He's so innocent, yet He has to be tortured, rejected and left aside by me over and over again. I just can't bring myself to face Him in heaven when the time arrives.... there's a guilty conscience that disapproves me to do so.

I need to get back to my old days, where I was so deeply in love, so grateful, so "obsessed" with God. I miss those times. I have to once again invite Jesus to come into my heart, throw a party and rejoice. I need to keep that flame big and alive!

SORRY JESUS. You are now welcome to my new heart.

Poly Or JC??

2009-10-30T00:01:00.002+08:00

After going to Nanyang Poly yesterday, I really have this urge to go Poly, esp Nanyang Poly, after my O'Levels. I want to take up hospitality and tourism management as my course. I want to learn how to manage customers, so that I'll be better at handling people in the future. Also, it gives me an opportunity to open up and get me prepared for my mission in the future. I'll never forget my dream of becomming a missionary. I have to complete my task before I leave this earth.

I will have to strive hard to get to poly and into hospitality and tourism management. It's 14 point only. I can't slack. So this means that during the holidays, I'll be on and off... I have to start studying hard for my O'levels next year. No time to lose. But for now, it's break time till my structured lessons are over.

PSYCHOLOGY!!!!

2009-10-27T19:52:00.003+08:00

I love Anthony Robbins!!! He rocks! Just when I'm missing EU... Just when I thought I've lost the believe in myself again.... I found his seminar in YouTube. He's really awesome! It brought me back to EU moments again! So inspired.... so awed!

I'm now so captured by PSYCHOLOGY! I've been trying so hard to change people's life. It's magnificent to just listen to people's trouble and try to change their mindset, changing their lives. I want to major in Psychology next time! I MUST major in it! I love to change people's lives. Well.... I am going to be a missionary next time, and so I have to start young! I'm going to head in that direction now!

Lets get it started now! I am absolutely excited! I want to be like Tony! I'll find my own way to start my journey! Here I go!!!

I'm Bored...

2009-10-24T17:08:00.002+08:00

Results are out.... Marks ain't that good. Not as I expected it to be. But I know one thing for sure, I improved a lot compared to the beginning of the year. My beginning of the year was majority F9. At least now, I know there's some D7 and even passes. But overall marks are not known to us yet.

Thaddeus is going for his 250km Sahara Run tomorrow. He left on Wednesday to Egypt. I'm feeling so excited for him. I'm sure he's going to finish the race and get those $$ for poor children. I can't wait till he ends and I ask him how was the run.

We're going to C.H.I.J.M.E.S on Monday. I haven't been there and don't know anything about it. And on Wednesday, we're going to Nanyang Poly. I can't wait for Wednesday! I want to know what they have in store for us. I am still thinking if I should go Poly or JC. This is a good chance for me to experience and see if there's anything that intrest me. Poly sounds like a better place for me to go, but thinking of the number of clothes I will have to buy...

Holidays are coming... one year has just passed. So quickly, yet so smoothly with the Lord. Thank God for being there beside me, always. Thank also for the wonderful friends he gave me from EU and CC. Thanks for the countless blessings He bestowed on me and everyone around me. I love Him for who He is, because He has first loved me.

"Two Ears But Only One Mouth" is the book I am reading now. It's a book by Dr Tan Lai Yong and his journey of life in Yunnan. Last year, Kuo Chuan Presbytarian and my school went to Kunming, China to experience this kind of life. I wasn't there, but I wished I was there. My dream is to be a missionary. And this can only happen, if I start young. But till today, I am either not given the opportunity to do so, or I am not prepared. I can't wait to go on a mission trip....let me test my faith on God. I love this book so much, cause it touches my heart. I got so engrossed in it, I read half the book in 2 days. I want to continue reading it tonight.

Hoping for my results to come out good. And hoping to reach my targeted rank of 20/41!

My Heart Aches

2009-10-20T21:54:00.002+08:00

Dad has been sick since I don't know when. About 2 weeks ago, maybe. He hasn't stopped vomiting ever since. And I feel guilty. Cause I see him taking care of me even through this hard period. And everytime I think about it, my heart aches.

Aunty Lily... not sure if I'm right, but I think she's left this world for a good cause. God has brought her home, so that she don't need to suffer any longer. But she's so nice, even though I don't know her well, I still have the heart to think of her. I will miss her.

Grace, leaving school this Friday... How much would I miss her, especially after she's been so awesome. A sister she is, to me. Really wish her well for her mission trip to Cambodia for 1 month. Love you, miss you... keep in touch

Thaddeus... leaving Singapore this Wednesday for his run on Sunday. All for love... all for kids who just don't have the love and the money. I love you Thadd, for doing such an awesome thing.

And no more sorrow for tonight. I can't afford it, cause tomorrow is my results day, all the way till Friday. If I let these sorrow take over me, I don't know what would become of me when I get my results.

I need some comforting... Would anyone?

When I'm Bored....

2009-10-20T11:51:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, went cycling with Dave. Wasn't really awesome, cause I had expected some leisure cycle, but it turned out that I was struggling my way back home in the end. We cycled to one end(opp from Changi direction) then turned around and cycled all the way to Changi Village for lunch. Walked around for a little while before we headed back to East Coast and then back home.
This journey sounds short, but the fact, it was super long. In all, including our lunch time, we cycled for about 6-7 hours straight. No breaks... that's what I call real torture, cause my longest was about 1 and 1/2 hours or maybe 2 hours, with breaks. And back then it was leisure cycling, not some speeding cycle.

Today, my whole body is totally worn out. Energyless. I want to continue to sleep, but my alarm clock, in me, just won't allow me to do so. I have been waking up as early as 6.45am the past few days, even though I sleep at around 11+ or so the previous night... but yesterday, not that late. Went to bed at 9 over, near 10.

Morning was leg exercise with all those tedious cycling. After I got home, it was hand exercise, washing so many stuff... ranging from the smallest wallet, to the dirtiest shoe and bag.

Yesterday did washing... today doing sewing. That's all i can do when I'm bored. I again, don't know how am I going to survive this holiday, besides the CC outing and maybe P6 overnighter in Church and CO camp in school. The rest is a little too boring. Thought of going to look for job, but what can I even do? And would my parents even allow? Lat year, working in my mom's office was fun. $300 pay for a just one month, not bad eh? I wish I could go back there to work again, but the boss now has his brother to do the job, so they are no longer lacking in workers. I find working awesome, compared to studies, but surely there the bad side of it when it come to permanant work too.

Lucky tmr we have school. But also bad news... cause it's results time:( I can't wait, but also I don't want them

YEAH!!!~

2009-10-15T22:13:00.002+08:00

Ooooh Yeah! One more paper to go! I'm so happy! So overjoyed... elated... *nothing can express my high-ness*

It's A Maths paper tmr... not planning to do anything for it. Just remember formulas. No point hardcore do questions, study like crazy, then fail! So... yah... I just can't wait for exams to be over. It's about 12 hours more to END OF EXAMS for the year. Yay! I can't believe it! Then I can go out, have fun, go wild, go crazy! And also I can plan the outing and do the schedule, parent's consent form and packing list... proper. I can't wait for December! I'm getting overexcited too early, but I don't even care, cause I know nothing can kill my joy, now! HAHAAAA!

I'm going to survive till end of exams mann! Like seriously, I don't even think I can sleep well tonight.... will roll around, thinking of what would it be like after exams... then the post exams activities... but before that, the long weekends, cause it's saturday, sunday, monday(in lieu of deepavali), tuesday(marking day). Then only wednesday go back to school! Yay! So cool!!!

But then I realise that Grace leaving end of next week. Haizzzz... All the best for your mission in Cambodia! Will miss you D;

I don't want to go to bed, I don't want to do anything... I just want to go high and be as mad as I can. I'm so aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh HAPPEEE! Last paper! Last paper! Last paper! Wooohoooo!

Kay... I admit I'm going mad, way too mad. I thank EU for this. Sincrely thank EU!
Rang Wo Men Get High! End of Exams! End of S4L! End of November! December! OUTING! YAY!!!

WoooHooo!

2009-10-12T16:51:00.002+08:00

Yay! I pulled through my Geography paper! Wasn't as tough as I thought it would be, but still didn't manage to finsh... not enough time. Lost 5 marks already.... But nevertheless, 110% effort put in to answering the questions.

Tomorrow's Emaths paper 2 shall slack a bit. I don't usually do any practice for maths, cause I never like doing that. I'm going into the exam hall with a head filled with formulas, that's all. Today shall be my rest day. Reward for working so hard the past few days. Maybe I'll revise Chen and Bio later during the night, but the afternoon is for my resting and de-stressing time.

I'm done with CC Outing's schedule already! Going to make a packing list and a parent's consent form for everyone. Mann! so taxing, but so fun. At least it brings me away from the exam stress:)

Going Insane!

2009-10-11T20:35:00.002+08:00

With so much studies to do, I think I'm going mad already. I'll go high, just to de-stress, so people around me have to bear with my madness. Today was the prove of de-stress...

I went crazy to the max in S4L class. First, during break time, we went down to grab food. And when we got into the lift and pressed the close button, the lift went: "doors are closing" over and over again, but the door was still open. It just doesn't want to close, though there was only 4 of us in the lift. Then when we got out to change lift, the door clased behind us! Lol! It was the joke of the day, seriously. And later during lesson time, I crawled under the table to go to the back seat. Luckily the trainer didn't realise:P But poeple at the back were staring at me and I laughed like mad after that... Haha!

Then I went back with Shalin and we talked about childhood days... So fun reminising those cute days, when we are so blur and innocent...Lol! And we were talking and laughing super loudly in the train, not even bothered about everything happening around us. We didn't even know if people were staring at us or not. It's great to go high every now and then.

Anyway, I'm going back to studying for my Geog liao. spent 10 mins typing... Ooops!

STUDY!!!

2009-10-10T14:31:00.002+08:00

It's exam period, and everyone's cramming again. Some couldn't care less. For me, I'm cramming like nuts and I think it's fun! I've finally found the joy/ fun in studying! Comparing the past years to this year, I don't think I've ever studied for a straight 1 hour before... but then, I did that in the library, doing some last minute notes, for Geography. And the next day, I was studying everything that's important, from right after school to night, past 11, though with short breaks in between:) I feel so accomplished for this year's studies.

It seriously proves the power of EU, transforming people's lives. Now studies is like an ooh yeah kind of thing for me. No longer a HUH...??? study? And I think that because of that, I have the confidence to do well in my subjects:D I shall see the big jump from being the last girl in class in the beginning of the year. I'm targeting around 20/41! Sounds crazy, but it's not impossible.

Okay. I'm going back to studying for my Geog... Paper 2 on Monday. No time to lose! Waiting for 16th Oct to come.

Nostalgia...

2009-10-05T17:48:00.002+08:00

Ever since EU ended, I don't think I cried at all... But yesterday, as I was lying on bed reminiscing of EU, I started to cry :'( I miss the activities so much. I recalled the last day when we were all writing our gratitude letter to our parents, and before that, when we were visualising our "own story". It's all so clear. Everything I saw felt just like it happened yesterday. It's so overwhelming.

Still hoping for time to fly faster. EU!!! I wan go back! ARGH! My Game of Life is fun, but not as fun as when I'm in EU!!!

Plans for outing are going well, and I'm very happy about it. December! I want December! C'mon... It's going to be crazy! It's going to be fun! And that's just what we want! WOOOO!

CC Outing!!!

2009-10-03T21:33:00.003+08:00

Planning for CC's outing is complete torture... in a sense...
In the midst of exams, people are bugging me to let them know when's the outing. But at the same time, some people don't reply. I'm in a dilemma now, so stressed!!! But I also realised it's fun! I mean, I've never really planned an outing or some meeting, so having a chance is just plain Awesome!

I really hope that the planning can be done by November. Many people are busy on November, so Decmber's the best(though to me it's rather bad, cause it's very late...). But I ask people second week can make it or not, message until siao, only about 3 people replied! Well... in life, not everything will go our way... accepting reality

I nearly died on Thursday. I don't think I can hold on for long... No CC, no fun, no Life!

MINDCHAMPS!!!

2009-10-02T17:44:00.002+08:00

I think I'm really missing CC and EU to the max already. I can't help but feel sad that EU is over and so is CC. I can't believe how much these courses have groomed me, but I just feel the total change in me. And not having CC or EU lessons just kills my joy to a certain extent.

I dreamt about someone from MindChamps again.... This time it's Thaddeus! Mann! I miss him so much. Miss his botak head also, so shiny.

Anyway, my dream was actually him being invited by one of my school councillor, Ms Scully. The celebration was held on the road(retarded place for celebration, but cool at the same time) to wish goodbye to all those teacher who will be leaving KC. The road actually had like plugs or stuff to plug the speaker and mikes??? Lol...
Anyway, we were all singing and dancing like crazy people. I think it stretched across a long stretch with so many people. Suddenly, Thadd ran and came sliding on the grass. The friction cause him to stop right in front of me. I went "HEY Thadd!" Then we hit each other's fist with our own fist as sign of hello. Then from there, my dream ended. But the purpose of the dream was actually for Ms Scully to announce those who are there that Thadd is going for a Sahara run and we wish him all the best. Send him our love and encouragement. And then I don't know what was going to happen...

I had to wake up for school. The fact that I'm always having dreams of MindChamps just before I wake up is irritating, cause I never get to finish my dream. But it's still nice to keep memories of beautiful people through dreams. I miss everyone so much.

Yesterday felt so empty without CC. I just had the urge to run out of my house and take a train down to Toa Payoh and ask everyone to do the same. Everything feels so different without CC and I'm so totally not used to it.

Muscle Booster!

2009-09-30T20:49:00.003+08:00

Haha! I love this picture so much! Look at the pile of book I had to carry home today! The thinner books were in my bag... Thicker ones were in my hands. For your information, this is excluding a white english file... And for your info, my english file is not that kind of thin folder file or stuff... it's the big fat ring file, the one you can file many many stuffs and never get it full(maybe). I call myself PRO! It was sure the muscle booster.

I had to bring home those books... all because we're starting our EOYs tomorrow. And guess what? I actually forgot about it. So when everyone went:"Eh! How to bring back all my books? Who got box! Give me one!"... that was when I realised ooops! it's English paper tomorrow. Unlike last year where everyone was so gan chiong, this year, not many people even realised papers were coming... many still slacking away(that include teachers). The best part about our teachers is that they haven't even finished teaching whatever they need to. This means that they can't revise with us, and we have to figure our way out to the topics and stuff...

I'm gonna cram all my studies to next week. English and Chinese not possible to study, so I won't be doing much. Saturday to Tuesday shall cram all my revision. Actually I started on Geog and some SS. The rest, should be able to cover in 4 days bah...

110% YES!!

2009-09-29T17:03:00.003+08:00

Today was torture... Geog CA 4 on first period. Chem's CA4 after recess and A, E Maths right after Chem's. Despite it all, it was a 110% effort I deposited. That did not include the studying, cause I don't just study... I study smart! Memorise by penning down everything, that's for Geog. Maths and Chem, just as long as you listen attentively(110%) in class and practice a little, nothing would fail you. And the believe you have in your heart is KEY! It leads you to where you wanna be.

Even though I didn't manage to complete my Geog and A Maths paper, but I've given my best(110%), and I have believed in myself, so I should guess that most of the answers I wrote down should get me marks!- I've given in my best shot!

EU really taught me well. Better than the S4L. S4L doesn't really drive me to study, but it was EU. And each day, I wake up all ready for school. When weekend comes, my mind goes... Oh No! Cause when it's school day, I'm always going: " Oh Yes! It's school! I can't wait for the day to begin... don't want it to end!" and studies..."Oooh yeah... I'm gonna study...."

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly... I believe I can fly...

Dream Oh Dream....

2009-09-28T16:20:00.002+08:00

Sweet! I had a dream of MindChamps this morning, just before I got up. It was so unexpected. I can remember so vividly what happened. When my handphone alam went off, I just stopped it and banged down onto my bed, just to continue the beautiful dream. My handphone rang for 2 or 3 times, but that cycle of me stopping the alarm and just letting myself sink into my dreams went on over again and again.

In my dream, Gloria was reading out the words from the card that I gave her as a farewell thing...-to the class. I don't know why did that happen, but it just poped into my head. Everthing around me just blurred out, but as I starred at Gloria while she read everything, my eyes was wide open, all full of shock. She was close to tearing, and I was deeply touched too, though it was a card that I gave her.

It may have been a short dream, one that was destroyed due to the fact that I had to wake up for school, but it surely did make my day. Nothing beats being able to experience joy in MindChamps. Now, the feeling of going back as a assist is bugging me. Longing so badly for that time. And prepare for the adrenaline to burst forth, just like how it would for those who are great fans of F1.

no comments... SIMPLY THE AWESOMEST DREAM EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!

Miss That CC NOW!!!

2009-09-25T15:44:00.002+08:00

It may have been just yesterday that we, the Champions of MindChamps, graduated from CC, but I'm already starting to miss it. Everyone was totally awesome! We all went max! With the Birthday celebration for Claudie and Matthew, it was even more fun than ever. Sherman and I paid for the cake. It was $28, but only those who ate paid $1, which eventually wasn't enough to pay up for the whole cake... but even if all paid a dollar, it still wouldn't have been enough. Nevertheless, it was the love we showed to the whole class:D

Kudos to every champ! All so courageous being up in from of parents. And Marcus was great, despite all he's going through. His bravery really made me not want to give up, and just fight on till the end for everything. *claps, and go woohooo!*

Actually, I would really wish for all of us to meet up very soon. And my definition of soon is about 3 weeks time. But that'll be during exams period... Anyway, just hope for the time to pass faster now, so that we can all plan for our outing and meet up again. December is not going to be long!

Oh Mann!!

2009-09-23T19:50:00.002+08:00

I'm actually so called taking a break from my mind mapping.... Did like two mind maps for SS already, getting so bored. Games on facebook are no longer fun, so I decided to blog for that's all I can think of doing now.

Tomorrow is Thursday! Not only that... it's sadly the last day of CC too. I don't want CC to end yet. Before EU, I thought that CC was not so much fun, but ever since I stepped out of my comfort zone and just play this game of life, I realise that whatever I do has meaning and there's the joy that's released so instantaneously. CC became great fun to me after EU. I can never express how awesome I feel nowadays. I could never imagine how life would be like if I haven't been to EU. It changed so much of me. And those who worked so hard for allowing this to happen, I send my heartfelt gratitude to them all.

I can't wait for tomorrow to arrive. At the same time, I'm hoping for it not to arrive at all. The reason behind is because I'm excited for CC, but if it arrives, the time will pass very quickly and in no time, CC has ended. I'll be ever so sad and miserable without CC. Gloria, Jacqueline and every single participant, play such a big part in my life. It was because of them that I am who I am today. I really can't afford to let tomorrow pass just like that. It's gonna have to be great fun. Birthday celebrations... party! Whoo! I'm going uper early tomorrow, cause I have to get the cake with my friends for the celebration. Chocolate cake! Yay! make sure we get the cake quick and chiong to class. Haha. Just excited, that's about it. And I'm so gonna laugh non-stop tomorrow. Last hug from Gloria and friends. Gifts for my darlings...(Gloria, Jaque and Claudie<-her birthday)

Mann! I can't wait! But don't want the day to come. How How How? *sigh* I'm going mad ^_^

EU!

2009-09-21T11:33:00.002+08:00

My world is revolving round MindChamps now. Everything is MindChamps. I miss EU so much, I'm getting that sense of nostalgia. Just longing so badly to go for a revisit and then become an assist. Chances may be slim, with so many people wanting to become an assist, but nevertheless, it doesn't hurt to give it a try.

Now, so many plans going on. Hoping for a CC class gathering or outing at the end of this year. Then I'm also going to plan for the next revisit, where all those who went for EU the same time as me wants to go back again, go together. I'm wishing all these can be planned properly.

ON CLOUD NINE! So high, ever since EU. Even if PMS also for a while...lol!

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! THERE'S NO TIME FOR LOSING! CAUSE WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!

So Early?

2009-09-19T15:19:00.002+08:00

I bet I'm nuts already. My parents slept at 10+ or 11+, but I stayed on till 1+am, only to sleep at around 2. Then in the middle of the night at about 4, I woke up thinking it was already 7am. But it happens not to be, so I went back to bed again and woke up again at 6. After that, I never fell asleep again. My parents weren't up, so I read in the "dark" or dim lighting from toilet...lol. But I ain't even sleepy, I'm more active than ever you can imagine.

These few days in school have been so awesome. Never a day have I felt down. The joy is so overwhelming, it spreads on and on. And even my friends think I'm crazy when I live above the line. And I was just a so different me. Ever ready for the next day to begin, filled with excitement. And one of my classmate kept pouring my things out of my pencil case during maths lessons. And in return, I said a thank you with a smile:) Have I really gone mad? Or is this just the real me.

But at the same time, I find I'm losing my lively me. I miss EU super a lot! And now even CC's gonna end, it'll be even worse. I'll miss everyone so much I might find excuses to come back to MindChamps or meet up. But it wouldn't be the same when we are outside. sadzzz

Anyway, I'm still high, which is an extremely good thing. Hope to continue being this way. Spread the joy!!!

IRRITATING!!!

2009-09-16T21:26:00.002+08:00

The fact that I am not able to sleep well is starting to irritate me so much. I've been trying to go to bed early... and I mean real early compared to last time. 10:15... roll on the bed till 11 over. And when I do fall asleep, I will somehow wake up in the middle of the night and only to find it so hard to get back to sleep again. Then what really surprised me was the fact that I'm able to wake up 4+ or 5+ without my alarm clock. Waking up at this time is so so so much earlier than ever... in fact much earlier than my parents too.

Mann! How I wish today was Thursday! I miss Gloria so much lah! I want to go for CC. It's like torture to know the day is coming, but it's taking ages to arrive. And I just hope that the time will pass super slow tomorrow, so I can spend more time having fun!

Friday is another torture! School as usual, but no CCA. But there's performance instead, for Mid-Autumn again! It's so taxing! I don't want to perform again! Every year play the same songs over and over, who won't get bored? And performance is way up till 10 over, and Saturday I have tuition that starts at 10 am... I'm going to lack sleep AGAIN! Spectacularly wonderfully magnificent! I'll just prepare to die for EOYs. Haven't any time to revise lately. Even if I do, I can't even concentrate... due to the fact that I'm horribly in need of sleep.

Insomnia

Suddenly It Seems So Fast!

2009-09-13T19:44:00.002+08:00

Haven't enough of holidays yet. Hoping it to be longer, though I know it's impossible. Miss those wonderful three days. Cannot stop thinking about those EU days and how much fun I had. Can't stop dancing still. Wishing so much to go back for a revisit and longing to be an assist! By next year?? Before I head out for mission?

Well... as long as I have to me back there in MindChamps' EU! For once I felt so woah! Like it's totally indescribable. When was the last time I stepped out of my comfort zone, break through my wall of fear, be who I really am and just go forth? I don't think I can remember any of that. Maybe when I was back then... around 2-4 years old?

Magnificent! That's all I can say, cause I'm running out of vocab to describe this beautiful time I had. It's unbelievably life changing. Miss those warm fuzzy hugs. Those craziness that went around the room continuously. Home was a dread. Overnight there was my dream.

Won't forget the assists who did such marvelous job. Bao Wen with her crazy ideas to cheer people and make people laugh till you can laugh no more. This was especially so with Chester around. Dax, as huge as he his, his presence never fail to bring joy, together with Ivan with his broken engrish. Natalie and her calm character. Joyce and Cherry, forever videoing, snap shooting and laughing hysterically. Audrey and her "you owe me this... you owe me that" Melissa, quite but active, playful at times. Zeek! Supposed to be Ezekiel. He and his ultra funny angry action... like some tall and skinny duck. Thaddeus and his botak head. Steve and his shy movements because of his first time. Gloria and her violent laughter that's so super contagious. WeiShi and her hard work for putting together all the assists and leading them. Hafiz and his great job, putting together the music, sound effects, lighting and all the back stage work. Those whom I miss out are those who didn't stand out from the crowd to let me notice them.

Overall, a pat on their shoulders for the job well done. Miss them all. Joining them!

Don't wanna be back in school yet! Still in holiday mood...

Maddest Week Ever!

2009-09-10T10:14:00.002+08:00

It may have been so tiring after those long hours of activities, but despite it, I can't get myself to sleep. I'd really like to thank God for giving me that great amount of energy during those few tiring days... also the power of my voice, cause I screamed non-stop and still my voice is perfectly fine. My body may be aching, worned out, but whenever I fall asleep, it's super short-lived. Lets say yesterday... my parents were all tucked in bed, but it's already way past midnight and I'm not even sleepy. Went to bed at 1+ am. Still I had to roll and roll and force myself to sleep. And in the middle of the night at around 4, I woke up and couldn't sleep back again. When I finally managed to, it was morning already. I woke at 7+ or 8+. That's nuts, I'd say. barely enough sleep, but still as energetic as ever.

This week was totally indescibably fantabulous. And to sum up all these, it's because of God and His grace and mercy. It's so great! I've never felt this way in my life before.

I can't get Gloria out of my head... don't know what gift to get her. She's my trainer for 2 different classes and I really appreciate her, but what shall I get her... Too lovely to get her some small gifts. If I don't buy, what to make for her??

EMPOWERED!!!!

2009-09-09T10:15:00.002+08:00

WOAH! The 2 and a half days of Empower U just passed like that. So sad. We've only just began, and now it's over. But it was a whole lot of fun. Imagine 1 day dancing non stop for 10-20 mins for about 5-7 times a day... Great fun yeah? And imagine being able to break through a board that you wrote all your negative stuff on. And imagine being able to just follow the person with your imagination and just bursting into tears. And imagine being able to show grattitude to your parents. And imagine hugging everyone in the room everyday, even those you don't know. And Imagine being able to share about your life to everyone, past, present and future. And What more do you want if you can enjoy yourselves from morning till night(and I mean it!)? I didn't wish for this to end.

I'm the NEW ME!!

I love everything!
#1Love God
Love life, love everyone, practically, love everything.
And my new favourite person... Gloria:) WOOOOAAAAAHHHH!

***Grace and Rebecca... one sentence->All Glorias are the the best people you can get!

Cambodia??

2009-09-05T23:18:00.002+08:00

Cambodia? Should I go or should I not? My Church teacher told me that there's going to be a mission trip to Cambodia end of this year. Pray about it or leave it? I've been longing for so long to go there, but when the actual thing comes, I'm not even prepared at all. Don't even know if parents will be willing to stand by me. I can't possibly be going without their permission. Neither can I go if my faith remains this low. It's already close to the end of the year. Time's so short for decision making. I still don't think it's possible.

We'll be having structured lessons and of this year. And if MindChamps doesn't end by then(don't know when) how can I go? God! Help be make this decision. O'levels next year... start revision?? How?? How?? Cambodia... am I only going to go there when I get older? Anyway, what's my definition of older? Sigh... can't decide... Better pray about it.

Holiday At The Right Time, But Still No Rest

2009-09-04T20:49:00.001+08:00

Holiday starts tomorrow, just nice for me to rest my tired body, but what rest can you get when you have to go for:
Tuition(10.30am-12noon) another tuition(5.30pm-7pm)[Saturday]
MindChamps graduation(9.30am-1pm)MindChamps new lesson(5.30pm-9.30pm)[Sunday at Toa Payoh]
MindChamps(8.30am-9.30pm)[Monday & Tuesday]<-----MADNESS!!!
CO Practice(2pm-5pm)[Wednesday]
Maths Remedial(8am-10am)[Friday]
[Saturday's schedule(above)]
MindChamps New Module(9.30am-1pm)[Sunday]

I think I'm going to be mad this week. With A & E Maths paper, Chem worksheet, Geography(double worsheet) and including rivision and other daily stuff, what time do I have to rest? During travelling time?? A little too crazy.

Oh well... better start on homework soon. There'll be English vocab test on first week of school reopen also, prepare to be roasted.

For Once!!!

2009-09-03T22:16:00.003+08:00

For ONCE! I couldn't differentiate right from wrong. Just how pissed I actually was and what I should have done. I knew I just had to, but what was stopping me at that moment? Why was I still so silent and just stepping away? This may sound like I'm admitting to something, but NO! Not of that you think. I was, after ages, madly flamming at this sickening banglahdesh guy who was obviously trying to ___ me! Yes! He was just standing right beside me in the train, grabbing the opportunity that the train is packed and jerking crazily... he did that thing you couldn't have imagined. For a moment, I wanted to stomp hard on his legs, or maybe elbow him full force, even screaming at him. I lost my voice today, so I thought... I shan't scream(I have more important things to save my voice for).

In the end, I decided, I was so going to get down! I tried pretending... I said excuse me and made it as though I was seriously leaving, but he walked out of the train, so I stepped back and went... YES!... Such a fool... Son of an idiot!

Still ranging with anger, I stomped out of the train at Eunos and continued all the way home. Got home, and the first thing I said was "FREAK LAH!!" Related the whole ARGH! story to parents and they said I seriously should have shouted and made him feel ashamed of himself. Any, I also thought that there was no point wasting my voice on such unworthy, useless, shameless pile of dust. After all, God will know who to punish when the time comes.

SO NOT GOING TO LET THIS HAPPEN EVER AGAIN!

2009-08-25T17:29:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time since I felt the motivation to do things. Today, after that sharing of the O'Level paper by my Chinese teacher, it really drived me. The assembly also played a part. CAMBODIA!!! I long to go there, but there's something that really haunts me is the number of killing fields they have. I freaks me out to know that remains can still be found. There's a desire in my heart that tells me I have to change this world and the people who lives in it. I shall believe that I have the power to rule over the world, only then will I make an obvious change in this world. Aim big, gain big.

I'm telling myself not to be hiding from God or even walking in a distance. This is my desire...

2009-08-16T21:20:00.002+08:00

My weirdest dream of late is a dream of me having a bad back ache. That was on Thursday night. Friday morning, I really did wake up with a bad back ache and it lasted thoughout the day. And till today, it's still the same.

Anyway, the purpose of writting was not really that, but it's about how excited I am to be a buddy of the Tie Yi students who arrived on Friday. I'll be sharing the buddy with another classmate from Monday to Friday. And Sunday, they'll be going back. So short, but I really hope to continue to keep in touch with them. I can't send them off on Sunday, cause I have class. Why can't they leave in the night? Why morning?

Haizz... Go to Church only for one week and I'm back to class again. This years deepavali changed date. Hope that the course's date still remains the same, if not I have a chance less to go to Church.

Where's Your Mecy?

2009-08-11T19:38:00.002+08:00

Why? Why?

One by one... down with either sickness or diseases or growth of some unwanted stuff?? Why all of a sudden? God... are you saying that the world's coming to an end soon? I fear that day, though I rejoice at the same time.

Could you make a a way? Why Aunty Karen? Why does she have to pay for so many people's fees? And yet she continues to trust in you and treats it as though nothing is happening. And still she provides so much for us kids... what great blessing she is to us all! But why, Father? Why? Haven't she been so near to you? Have she let you down?

Set her free, Father. If it's your will for Aunty Lily to live on, let her live with no troubles. If you wish for her to go back home to you, bring her home soon. It's hard to accept the fact that she's old, yet she has to suffer so much.

I want to keep the faith and continue running my race, but I don't know how. Time's been getting toughter and tougher. I'm losing hope, losing sight. Especially so when the Church is still not burning with flames for you.

Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away, stepped in and save the day
And once again, I say AMEN, and it's still raining

As the thunder roars,
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
I'm with you
And as your mercy falls,
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives, and takes away

I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are,
No matter where I am
Every tear I cry
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
Though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry, you raise me up again
My strength was almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find you

As the thunder roars,
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
I'm with you
And as your mercy falls,
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives, and takes away

I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are,
No matter where I am
Every tear I cry
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
Though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help comes from
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are,
No matter where I am
Every tear I cry
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
Though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

In The World, But Not Of This World

2009-08-09T22:34:00.002+08:00

Feels so great to step foot on HOLY GROUND today! But I didn't get to see my teacher:( Miss her so much, she misses me too. Can't wait for 20th September....should start my countdown again.

Today felt so different. I just had the urge to sing praises totally loudly, full of heart. I looked around me, questioned myself, "Why is the YF so dead?" I see that there wasn't any change in them after so many weeks. I thought I've grown so much in just these few weeks. Class was still as noisy. Ears was somewhat polluted... S-H-I-T, D-A-M-N and WTH, also OMGOD/GOSH. It totally feels different.

Sermon was touching... Lesson was insirational-> The FATHER! What is He like??

Hoping for time to fly by again. God's been so great, for He never left me all these while. AMEN!

It's Tomorrow!!! Double Happiness...

2009-08-08T22:22:00.002+08:00

National Day tomorrow. And I also get the chance to go to CHURCH!!! Finally! After those torturing 5 weeks.... it seriously felt like ages. It's killing me. And now it's finally time for revival, renewal and reunion. Can't help, but smile all the way, even through pain. The joy that's in my heart could not be replace by anything. Planning to wake up UPER early tomorrow. And I'm going to "fly" to Church.

God made my day! WOOTS!! JESUS.... ohh yeah.

Today is the day
You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Today is the day
You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
I won't worry about tomorrow
I'm trusting in what you say
Today is the day!

Oh oh woah.. oh oh woah

WOOOOO!!!

Random-ness

2009-08-05T21:47:00.002+08:00

It's been so great today. I finally got my juniors to play. Although it wasn't for the whole practice period, but about a third...better than nothing. Guess it's really the way I speak to them... or maybe it's adjusting myself to suit them instead of adjusting them to suit me. I tried so hard not to be angry. It turned out that my junior was laughing non-stop most of the time(weird girl). Two targets met today. A pat on my shoulder for the job well done.

It's 3 more days only!!! I seriously can't wait to go Church this Sunday. I miss everyone. Feels kinda weird all these while not being in Church. The count down really cut down the weirdness. I suppose I should hold a mini party when I stop my Mind Champ lessons. It's still a long way to go...

Why am I so worn out these few days? And my immunity have been deteriorating also. Guess late nights solves the answer. Hoping to sleep soon. *yawns*

Btw, our conductor had his most retarded birthday celebration today. Haha. His face went ???

In Between

2009-08-02T22:30:00.002+08:00

I think I'm happy and down today... Happy, cause next week is National Day, meaning I can go to Church. Down cause I'm having diarrhoea. I want to go to school tomorrow. I studied for Vocab re-test and also Bio test. Now my stomach is churned, I wonder if I can go to school tomorrow. Plus I have Social Studies project presentation also. Hiazzz... I'm so tired... and I feel so weak. Don't want to skip morning exercise and PE either.

I have no strength to do my homework... I guess I'll be going to bed real soon. Need the rest.

That's It!

2009-07-29T21:36:00.003+08:00

I've been enraged today during CO. Juniors are totally getting from bad to worse, horribly out of control. So much for being a pampered batch. They know nothing about people's feelings. Speak to them nicely, don't listen, don't reply. Shout at them, show black face, ignore. So in return, I ignored them also. It's irritating to know that they can come into the classroom without their instrument. It's even worse when you ask them to play and they lie on the table, stoning away with their stuff all kept.

I don't know why I wasted so much time and effort on them when I know they won't even bother to listen. I don't understand how I could afford to worry for them when it's their turn for SYF. I've lost hope in them. Weeks before the June Holidays, they were practising the basic piece. Till now, still same piece...no improvement(notes still flat, breathe at every note they play), no slight change at all. I see no point in teaching them/guiding them.

If I get scolded by teacher, so be it. I won't want to argue anymore -- useless. I'm just going to care about myself now. They want to learn, they come find me. I've lost the interest in bringing up pro-suona-players-to-be. In fact, I won't scold them anymore. I won't sit in front of them begging them to take their instruments and play. I'll let them do whatever they want.

No! I won't regret this! It's ripping too much of me... I give up!

I'm Awake!

2009-07-29T21:27:00.002+08:00

I finally woke up! Realised how much I need to brush up on everything. I've forced myself to concentrate solely on God. I know that in God, I will accomplish everything with ease. So now, I'm getting back on track, doing work before using computer, or maybe using it only when I'm breaking. I no longer want to have the habit of procrastinating. Pray, for that's all I know now. I need Jesus as my motivator. He Rocks!

Does anybody hear her?

2009-07-19T16:58:00.004+08:00

I like this song. It's told me to reach out and help. But till today, I don't understand why some Christians choose to walk away.

What's worse is that Christians say they are Christians, but does not act like one or does not want to be part of this. It's sad to know of a Christian who replied to my comment in youtube under this song. What he has said, truly hurt me. I don't blame him, neither am I angry with him.

I said: As Christians, we should know well enough to step into non-Christian's life and lead them to the right path. Don't just leave the alone and let them feel so lost. That's not what God has called us to be. If there's someone you know, in your school, workplace or even in the army, wherever, go up to them and talk to them. They might just need a listening ear or just a shoulder to lie on. Be that somebody today.

And he replied: I'm not a true christian, and no one is, so don't act like you don't fuck up, we all do, I don't care if your the preachers daughter, you've messed up, even the unborn have sinned, the sin of adam and eve lives with us all, we all step into darkness. my favorite saying is this, 'if you love something let it go, if it comes back, it's yours.' god loves us, so he let's us go, and we always come back.

I agree in some of what he said, but I think he shouldn't have done it in such harsh manner. Whatever the case, he'll still be forgiven by me, whoever he is.

God may not have spoken to him much. Either that, or he chose not to listen and obey.

Ephesians 4:26-27

2009-07-18T14:18:00.002+08:00

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Angry since morning. For not one but a few reasons. But God spoke to me this verse that I so often come across.

I told myself not to continue to be angry. Anger does not bring me anywhere. Being angry doesn't solve the problems.

God has appeared to me these few days. Not physically though. But God has always been right beside me, and I know it, because I have come to realise the many little things God has done.

We may not know how to perfect certain things, but God told me that if our focus is the outcome, then I will not succeed. But if our focus is on God (doing it for His glory), we will somehow manage to acheive what may seem impossible to acheive.

Ask yourself, how often do you pray. And when do you pray, under what circumstances.
Many would pray only for big things, but for small ones, not at all. I've learnt recently to pray before I start doing homework. Lately, I haven't been able to concentrate and would turn to the computer instead. And this resulted me in rushing of homework till late into the night, which led to insufficient sleep. And I'll wander off in my own world in class the next day.

But still, God cared and created a path for me. I really appreciate His works. I've not been in Church for 2 weeks so far, and I have another 3-4 weeks more. Through this period, at times I feel empty. Still, if this is God's plan for me, I'll stay strong and let Him lead me.

Ahhh... Chooo!

2009-07-16T16:47:00.003+08:00

Down with flu...

Haizz...

Sneeze the whole day, thanks to the humanities subjects. Had Lit before reccess(in AVA theatrette), and Geog after reccess(also in AVA theatrette). No wonder my flu got worse.

Going to bed to rest now. Temperature higher than usual, but not yet 37.6 deg C. Phew!

A Poem written by Marianne Williamson

2009-07-12T21:28:00.008+08:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

"Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be.

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the World.

There's nothing elightened about shrinking

so that other people around you won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not ust in some of us - it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We unconciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fears

our presence automatically liberates others.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was what we were supposed to memorise, using pictures to aid us, and recite it as a group. I was the one who had to memorise the third stanza, the longest stanza. Anyway, MindChamps has been great so far.

Today we played a stupid game to "test our brains". The person in the centre had to say either: Biggly Biggly Boo!, Viking, Elephant or Fire, and point at anyone around. Actions were given to see how fast our mind can actually search for the actions and act it our correctly at a fast speed. Lucky I only lost twice. Those who went to the centre three times will be asked random questions by anyone. The most I think was 6 or 7. Mann! That was really funny.

Can't wait for next week to arrive to play silly games again. But I also can't wait for National Day, so I can go to Church.... Counting down to National Day: 28 more days. *sigh*

The Word Ihs Alive!!

2009-07-11T20:07:00.002+08:00

My new found favourite Christian song. I love how the words touches me. This is barely just one of the many. Hope to find more touching songs to draw me closer by another step to God.

ZZzzz...

2009-07-09T17:08:00.004+08:00

Yawnzzz.... I just want to sleep now.

It's been ages, since I slept a lovely sleep.

I am worned out once again.

Zzzzzz...

Hope next Wednesday no CCA!

I just want to get home early and nap my whole afternoon away...

Or I can rush to finish up my homework first, then sleep early at night.

Sleeping too long in the afternoon makes me groggy.

Homework time :( Got loads to finish *sobs*

Don't Waste Your Food!!

2009-07-03T20:15:00.003+08:00

I read this paragraph in my Geography book, and to me, it is very sad. It reads:
According to FAO, about 25000 people die of starvation everyday. Out of these 25000, more than 16000 are children. In another words, one child in the world dies from starvation every five seconds. This means that about two children would have died while you read this paragraph.

How sad can it get? Imagine... you are so priviledged, but people around the world, especially from the third world country, are dying of hunger. You have what they don't have, so treasure what you have. One man's rubbish is another man's treasure. If you were right next to them now, holding a plate of food which you can't finish and plan to throw it away. Before you even walk to the bin, the children will run up to you and beg you to give it to them.

A person consume at least 1000 kilocalories each day. In Sub-Saharan Africa, their total daily calorie intake per person is only 143 kcal. Great difference huh??

Think before you eat. Buy only what you think you can finish and not buy extra. Learn to eat lesser so that others can have the chance to consume more. When people waste food, stop them and tell them: "one child in the world dies of starvation every five seconds. Are you planning to waste those food you're about to throw?" I'm sure that'll make a great difference. If they don't believe, another sentence to say is "one third of the world is suffering from hunger." I'm sure this'll work out better.

You'll regret...

2009-07-02T19:17:00.003+08:00

Try to continue ignoring me. Try to continue making me invisible to your eyes. Just TRY! See what you get from me in the end. Don't blame me! CAUSE YOU STARTED IT FIRST! Just when I thought I could get along well with you... just when everything went back to normal...
Do you really want this to happen? To see us part? I've haven't been myself. Or should I say, I've been my better self. And now what more do you want? I don't want to say those three words anymore. I'm sick of it. I know I don't hate you and you know I love you. Simple as that, yet so complicating. Trying to patch up, yet you chose to turn away. Maybe next time you'll get what you deserve. I don't know what the hell's up with you! My efforts have all gone down the drain. You were never one my mind till recently. I don't wish to forget about you.

I admit that I have done something unacceptable(only to you), but that was so as to not make you worry. And for that, this is what I get? FINE! Be That Way!

When was the last time I sat alone feeling down? When was the last time I got angry and sad. I've tried so hard, but in the end, it doesn't even matter a bit to you. I don't know how you're going to be saved.

God! Help!

Double Hit! Goodbye Church... 28 June 2009, Sunday

2009-06-30T18:55:00.002+08:00

*These were words from me on Sunday, 28 June. Wanted to blog, but coundn't. Comp is giving loads of problems

Goodbye Church and Churchies, I will miss you all. It feels so much worse than leaving my primary school. First reason, Church is a place that I have chosen to go, every Sunday, because I love God, love His people and love His house. School was not somewhere I chose to go, neither was it somewhere I like. Second reason, (for me) not going to Church is almost the same as drifting from God. I don't know what will my 5 months be like. Two weeks of not going to Church was what I call torture... five months is hell. Some may say that you can worship God anytime, anywhere, but what matters to me is fellowship with His people. You too may choose to take the stand that I have Christian friends around me in school and I can fellowship with them, whenever. But it would be a great difference as compared to a big group of brothers and sisters in the house of God, fellowshipping with each other, prasing His name, etc.

Bowled at Serangoon Gardens CC with my level. Totally didn't have the mood. Expected it to be the enjoyable last daywith them, but who knows...my mood flung down, knowing it's my last till November. At first bowl, I hit 7. There after, long kang all the way till third last one. Managed to bring down 8, but long kang again at the next. The last wasn't played by me, I didn't want to.

School reopes tomorrow, and I'm so frustrated. The second hit! I so so don't want to be back in school, with the irritating H1N1...temperature taking. Must bring hot water to school. Dring before taking temperature then...Oleh! kena sent home, another day of holiday...Lol

Haiya! MOE should seriously ask for extension lah! So unfair one... Presbetarian High get a week off cause one teacher tested positive for H1N1. KC, one teacher must be down...one enough...one evil one better. The whole school will rejoice!

God Never Disappoints

2009-06-22T15:18:00.002+08:00

God is good, all the time! I thought that yesterday was the last time I'll step into Church until late November. Though it sounds sad, I was delighted I had that opportunity to go to Church still, at least. Father's Day performance went on. Then there was break before we went to another congregation to perform. And at the second break, I found out that yesterday was not the last week, because there's still next week. I guess I skipped the page of my journal without realising. At least now I can go to Church happy, next week, for the test of Psalm 1. I memorised it many weeks ago, and when I thought I would not get tested, I was disappointed. I don't know why, but everytime my teacher ask us to memorise chapters, I'll be the only who's ready to face the "test". I'm just so burning with uncontrollable flame when it comes to God.

Life really changed a whole lot for me. I can't remember what was it like when I was not yet a Christian. Maybe it was great without any obstacles that God lay before me. I just can't remember. I can only remember everything from the day I became a Christian. It was a tough journey, but despite it all, it pays when you know that you have a place in someone's heart. Truely speaking, I can never recall a time that God was not with me. He may be far at times, but He was always with me. I've never regretted taking up my cross.

Now, I'm just watching the days pass, as God does His work. I'm hoping my parents be Christians too. I can wait for that special day. How have I been? Have I changed for the better, in their eyes? I am doing what I can with God's help to just slowly change them. Actually, I'm starting to see the change already, and that's really fast. So touched by God. He's so great! And He's the reason I LIVE!

One more week to go in Church. Nevermind that anymore. I'll be back on National Day, Hari Raya and Deepavali. Oh Yes!! This week we might be going bowling. Woohoo! Totally happy. Last happy moment.

Got too excited!

2009-06-18T10:53:00.003+08:00

I got far too happy yesterday night, I forgot how to sleep. It sounds kinda weird, I know, but it's true. I forgot that sleeping requires you to relax your body and not think about anything. What was I excited about then? It all goes back to GOD!

I'm going... going to prepare my fields to receive God's rain. That phrase was edited, but extracted from Facing The Giants. It totally changed me alright. Be moved, let the spirit move you. Let your heart open up to see the Glory of God. God has Given us this Life and He wants us to Live it with Love.

I didn't sleep much but that doesn't matter as much anymore. What matters is my heart be on fire for God. Don't deny God, if not someone you love will deny you. Jesus is the only one way, the only one truth and He is the light. Love, just as He has loved you.

I-M-POSSIBLE!

2009-06-18T10:41:00.002+08:00

I love the ending of this movie, Fighting The Giants. Everyone have to watch this! And FIREPROOF!!! They are very touching. I don't care what you believe in, what you think, but just watch this. Those 2 videos may just change your life, it's that powerful! Go search in youtube NOW!!!

Actually, you don't have to search, cause the first of Fireproof is here:

And so is Facing The Giants

I Love You God!

2009-06-14T21:51:00.002+08:00

I will be missing church. Though I just went to church today, I'm starting to miss it already. I just can't believe that next week is the last week I'll be going to church. The next time I get to step into CBC will be 5 months later. I didn't want to depart from it. It's like home to me. I love that place, because God lives in it and I love God! Oh come on... that 5 months is somehow going to kill me. I can't believe it! I mean, not going to church for 2 weeks was torturing enough, but now I have to bear it for 5 month, which sums up to about 20 weeks, 10 times of what I found so demanding. This is so not going to be the way. I'm going to make sure I can meet up with church peeps esp my class or go for the different activities. No matter what, I still want to have something to do that's related to church. I'm going to make sure I get a chance to step foot on holy ground in God's place.

Alright... I did cry today during worship okay. My affection for God and His holy place. I hope no one noticed me. I teared at every prayer and couldn't sing properly. I'm leaving somewhere I love? That's totally impossible! Oh Mann!!! I'm not going to end here, cause I hate to know that I can't go to church! This is worse than asking me to part with a friend and I mean best friend.

I don't know what will it be like. Will I drift away from God? Will I fall apart? Will I cantinue to stay strong? Will I cry every day and night? What would be of me, really?

Nothing, But Only This.

2009-06-12T19:05:00.002+08:00

This blog is no longer meant to talk about my life story. No longer for any other interesting stuff. It's only going to be for the sad dayzz of my life and somewhere I choose to throw all anger away. For from today onwards, I've changed my viewpoint for everything and everyone.

This life that I live, I see no purpose to it any longer. I've thought about it and realised that if I weren't around, there would be no difference. In fact life would have been much better for many. I would say that there's no one who at least 65% care about me. For even the one that's supposed to be most important in my life does not even care one hell bit. From what I know, actions speak louder than words. And this means that people who say they love me, they don't actually do. I know who really care and who don't. I know who love and who don't. I know everything that's going on in people's mind, because I am someone who understands.

I may have shown to you that I'm someone gay, but I'm not any. I love to laugh, but that does not prove it, cause I do that in order to forget all troubles and worries. Seen me stare into blank space or look into the sky before? Know what's behind that quiet, blur looking girl? Care to find out? Look for me then. I'll be more than glad to know you've come.

Shout at me, for that's all you know, when you come back from work with anger. If that's how you vent your anger, go on, I won't give a damn to you. Ask you a question, it comes unreplied. When I get things done wrong, you start to shout. Why then should I care about you anyway! You don't know what's going on in my mind, but I know in yours.

The joy that I've so longed for. What great joy I had only lasted two days. You ripped it off me.

What would happen...

2009-06-11T16:24:00.002+08:00

I'm not happy with my comp... I want a new one now. Well, since there's PC Show coming up, I guess I should drop by one day to grab one new computer, preferably a desktop.

That's just something random.

What would happen if everyone get to change parents on alternate weeks?
I think I would choose which parents I want to go with. Have fun every week. But another thing is that it'll be too troublesome. But it will be a great thing to do, according to my imagination. Not for the whole life, but maybe a few months each year will do. Haha!

What will happen if we have a week break in each month, instead of mid year and end of year hols?
I think It's a great idea. Each month we can do catch up with our work and revise our next topic. It's still better than having a moth plus holiday, waste our life away each day. But bad about it is that we can't have camps or travel, cause the break is so short and we won't get to adjust. Maybe we should have a week break for each month and still keep December as a holiday month.

What will happen if we(upper secondary students onwards) can work and study alternate months?
Nice! I want that. I want to start work. At least we can get work experience. At least we can earn some money to provide a little for ourselves. And we won't get bored. Can't the government change all laws? Or let the people choose them.

What will happen if growing up takes a longer time?
Actually, I want to grow up slower in preschool, but not in the schooling period. I want to play for a long long time, study a few years and then go out to work. I don't mind if study was made more interesting and teachers put in their heart and really mean well for the students.

Oh great! I remember that today my Church is having kid's camp(boomerang express). I wanted to help out, but parents won't allow. I didn't ask them, but I know well enough. What to do? I have to abide by God's commandments. It's the first commandment anyway, meaning it is most important.
Tomorrow, kid's camp day 2 and play max. Also cannot go... sian. No wonder I hate holidays so much. Then there's Youth camp next week. Cannot go also... very boring leh. Can die this month. But I can't wait for next month when my Mind Champs lesson starts. It's going to be fun, it's going to be exciting. After that, I'm going to be a champion! Woohoo!
Give me a list of words, don't care how many. give me five minutes and then test me. Ask me to say them the other way round, or maybe you would like to ask me what is before what or what is after what. You'll be shocked by the end of it.

Okay... This is what I call bored. I still have lots more to type, but better cut it short.
That's all for today.

Reunited At Last!

2009-06-10T22:30:00.002+08:00

I'm back with my computer once again! After 3 really sickening weeks. Oh! I wonder how I survived that. I guess I nearly died of boredom. I didn't want to do work, cause... no play=no work. It was horrible! Anyway, just glad to be using my comp again.

But bad news, everything is all gone, thanks to the virus that wiped out almost everything. I have to install everything from scrap. URGH!

Bad days.... I guess it's all gone. Hope it is. I can't recall how many days I cried ever since my results came out. It totally ruined everything. And worse is my parents who added fuel into fire. But that's not the end for me. And that makes me sad. Cause I have to go for some Mind Champ thingy every Sunday from July till November, and this means I can't go to Church since it's from 9.30am-1.00pm. I'm dissapointed. That whole period of 5 months? Bad bad bad... I have to catch up with my teachers every week.

So many things happening now! Mann... I hate this. Alright. I better get going with my comp.
By the way, I think I'm changing my blog soon, meaning I'm starting a new blog, so this is going soon. I mean it will still be around for memo's sake, but yeah... just want something new, something different.

Crap It!

2009-05-31T16:28:00.002+08:00

Could't seem to find joy any longer. It's bee tough to be satisfied with my day. Prayers have been made, but nothing stops me from feeling my lowest moments. Life hasn't been life for me. Lost the whole meaning of love. Lost the whole purpose of life...

Comp have been dead. Now I'm using my aunt's comp. Results have been especially bad. I was supposed to get my report book back, but Ms Chua wants to see my parents and so I didn't tell them. I told them to go school yesterday for family day. I was wondering if I would find Ms Chua and ask her to go look for my parents. But when I found her, I thougt that my parents left already. So now, I can't ask my parents to see her anymore. If she wants to see them then wait till school reopen, cause I don't want to let them know.

Faking smiles have been a daily thing for me now. I just don't know how to bring myself to face the world with a sad face and make everyone worry about me and ask me to reval everything. And because I keep everything to myself and emo at home, the problems never get solved. In fact some gets worse and my mind just runs wild.

Holidayss... dready days. I bet I'm going to end up slacking the hols off despite haveing so much stuff coming up. Most stuff are Chruch stuff. And that means no taking part. My dad wouldn't be happy. I don't dare to tell him about church activities anymore. I don't want to lie either. There's only one choice now, which is to stay at home and slack my holidays off. Forget about enjoying life, since there isn't going to be kid's camp for me to help out, youth camp fo me to take part, hat party for me to go to, neither do I have meeting that I can attend to keep me updated. I look up to people who come from a Christian family. See the love, watch them care, hear them share and feel them there. How I long to have a Christian family, one that love and one that care, one that share and is always there when I need them. One that does not look at my bad side, but be happy to know the good. It's just a life of a..... you know.

I've got no life!!!

Home SHIT Home!

2009-05-21T17:54:00.002+08:00

我真的不像再这样过日子了！受够了！还能相信你吗？你还值得我的爱吗？你知道我写的一切，都是我心里真想写的吗？你知道我本来有都么的关心吗？在表面上，我可能看起来什么也不管。可是，你有没有踏进我的心，走一走吗？从来都没想到伤到我多少的心。你肯定不知道，你们一切说的，我都发现了吧！你们的心，我非常了解了。

你从几年前的事，到现在才承认？会不会太迟了呢？如果我是你，我是没面见人的你知道吗？我无法完全原谅你！连伤到自己孩子的心这种事你也办得到，还算人吗？我这些事已经藏很久了。我真想说出来，可是为了你们，我决定让我的心沉到最低。这几年来，你们有尊敬我吗？

在这么多事之重，你们却选择了对不起我的事。我真是无话可说了。如果生活还是这样下去的话，恐怕我永远就把你们的话当耳边风。你们以为非常了解我，事实不是。本来我不想一次再一次把这种事提起来，可是我已经非常尽力了。我是在控制不了自己。

Why should you invade people's privacy? Do I do that to you? Do I deserve this kind of treatment when I come to Singapore? Is this your purpose of adoption? I wnated to keep everything from you two so as to not hurt you. But you are invading my privacy, and by doing so, you're hurting me instead! Haven't you had enough of treasure hunt? Very fun is it? I invent one for you okay! Don't take my stuff as treasures. I hate it to be this way. You want, you can live your own life. I don't wish to be here to interefere in your world either. I'd rather go my own way and you go your own! Now because of you, I have to take the trouble to rip everything off.

DON'T DO THIS TO ME ANYMORE. I'M NOT YOUR DOLL!

Why?

2009-05-15T11:42:00.002+08:00

He just HAD to leave the bike unattended. It's so easy for it to get stolen. Two foldable bikes... TWO! Mine was the expensive one. $2500. Why can't he just take better care of it? Why? Is it so hard to bring it along into NTUC? I know it's heavy, but SO WHAT? I brought it along with me into This Fashion when I was with my mum. I'm a girl...a girl. He's a GUY!!! Why I can carry but he cannot? Why! Blame the chain.... Why don't blame himself instead. Who was the one who decided to buy the chain in the first place? Who was the one who wanted the bikes to be left out.

What for ask me if I want another bike? What for? So rich ah! Huh? You think I'm going to let you get another bike for me, let you use and let it get lost again? I won't trust you anymore! You've ripped my faith in you. So stubborn. Just wouldn't listen to mummy to bring it in. No point wasting another $2500. Anyway, I think the prices has increased already.

Since you know that this kind of things can happen anytime, why then didn't you take better precaution. Why risk it being stolen. The worst of all things was that you chain the bikes to each other and not to a pole. That made it way way easier for it to get stolen. I don't understand how you still can remain so happy. It's your money, but I feel the pain.

I've also had enough of all the thieves is Singapore. First, my handphone was stolen, then was my Digital diactionary cover(in school!) and now the bicycles. Mum had thought of going for a runway cycling held my safra. Now, forget about it. I don't know how long this anger and sadness in going to stay in me. Frustrated as I am, I was taking my bed as my punching bag. Ended up punching myself. Got no mood at all, not even to eat. No difference from losing someone near and dear to me.

The Sukiest Day Ever!!!

2009-05-14T20:48:00.005+08:00

Today is totally horrible! I hate it! I'm so pissed now. So many bad things happened today!

First, Maths paper, I had to redo cause I accidentally used my answer script as my draft paper. Then I don't have enough time to finish. Next, I went to Tampines to get capo from Yamaha. After that whole one hour ride, I got there and wasn't open yet. Then when it opened already, they said that the capo for classical guitars not in stock. I had Macs take away to bring home and eat. When I was waiting for the lift, I dropped my cup of sprite. I haven't drank a drop yet. After that, got nagged at by my dad. Then Now!!! My mum just called to say that our bikes got stolen. 2 of them, at Paya Lebar. Expensive foldable ones. ****! It cost about $3250 in all. I'm totally not in the mood to do anything now. All because of my dad who refuse to bring along into NTUC. What's The POINT!!!? That empty space in the living room... feels so different now.

It's only 8+ now. Why can't the day pass any faster? AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Feel like crying, but just too sad to even do so. Heartbroken. The bike that I so dearly loved. The bike that I took care so well, making sure theres no stains or scratches whenever I reach home after cycling. That I'll do no matter how tired I was. But now.... it's gone, just like that. Stolen! I want to punch that thief!!!!!!

Just the worst day of my entire life, and I MEAN IT!

世界真不公平

2009-05-14T15:19:00.004+08:00

在我不想再恨他们的时候，他们会突然间说出一些东西，让我再次恨他们。我已经尽力去爱他们，可是不知为什么他们不能跟我合作。已经有好几次他们说出不该说的话，但我决定原谅她们。到现在，我还无法真正的去爱。

以前，我知道我恨他们的原因多得很。至今，我渐渐地把全部忘掉。如果我能一段时间不在家，回来时，每件事情都会环。我就是不希望他们再惹我了。就刚刚，我回到家的时候，问爸爸可不可以星期一跟我的朋友出去，他大声地回答“出去？” 我想了一阵子。考试完了吗，为什么又不让我出去呢？后来，他也没回答我，而我也不想再问了。

虽然考试过了，可是爸还不让我休息。从来都没有。假期我很少出门。一个星期一次，有时没有。他照样说我太经常出去。我就不懂为什么她会这样说。我知道我的朋友们，差不多每天出去。不止呢！有些甚至一天出去好几次。这真不公平。在他们眼中，我还是一个不懂事的小孩吗？我早已经长大了！永不信赖我。

连现在我用电脑，我爸对我说“You better do your school work ah! Don't let me catch you doing your Church stuff!” 不知为什么他们会让我去教堂，可是在家时就说我去教堂也没有用。天天说我做devotion。IF ONLY I CAN DO! 我尽量做的时候不在他们的面前。就是这样，我越来越少有机会。也就是这样我才一天比一天里神更远了。这只是一小部分。在家发生的事，我想我不要再提了。

我这破碎的心和生命，真需要耶稣。

Being a Christian for me, was so that I know that I have a friend, Jesus, and that I know He will always be beside me, showing me the path and comforting me. Ever since I became a Christian and know a little about mission work, I got so amazed and just wanted to step forth. Now, standing before me are two obstacles. My parents are actually the ones who are trying to bash my dreams. It's hard trying to please God and at the same time still listen to my earthly parents. They have become saturn to me. The ones that draw me away from the Father.

2009-05-13T22:28:00.003+08:00

Just one last paper for the MYE. Oh Yesss!!! Then it's freedom till after holidays.

I can't wait for A Maths paper to be over. After that, I will be excited for level camp in Church. Then comes CIP at Child @ St11 And there'll be Boomerang Express for kids age 6-12 at Church. Then I'm hoping to be able to make it for Youth Camp, in Malaka. By then, I'll only be left with one week to adjust back to boring lifestyle again to prepare for coming term.

But for now, I'll just be happy that after tomorrow, everything is going to be great! Don't want to worry about results yet. Just prepare to rejoice after 10 tomorrow.

Unbelieveable! Exams passes so quickly... No school till Thursday(woots!) I tomorrow die die also must at least go out to somewhere interesting. Maybe I should go to Tampines get a capo, since I'm starting to learn songs that requires capo. Now I'm stupidly using chopsticks as a replacement. It sounds horrid. Ha! Still waiting to join worship comm. Rahh! Need to brush up my skills first. Don't want to make a fool of myself on stage.

That's all for the day. I'd better do a bit more revision first then I go to bed.

In The Midst Of Exams

2009-05-10T17:28:00.002+08:00

Haven't been blogging lately. So caught up with studying, somewhat. Almost died this week with so many papers. Geography and Literature was killing me. Then Biology and Social Studies came and murder me till I didnt even study for Chemistry, all because I didn't have the mood to do so anymore. Now that the exam-filled week is over, it's time to take a break before I start for Mathematics.

Ever since after Chemistry paper till today, I haven't really done anything much. Friday was like a break for me. Saturday, I was sorting my files and kinda slacking my day away. Well, not so much when I have to help fix a bathroom door. Night time was fun at Hendersen Wave. That wavy-looking bridge was so fun, though it's just a bridge. Climbing up was tiring. Steps were steep and totally slanted because of the hill. Conquered by giddyness that night. That wavy bridge too, was giving me some headaches. But it was still a nice bridge afterall. The scenery from on top. Lying down, you can count the stars and just try to connect them to form something.

Today was as usual, Church. But lunch was out at bugis. Some Sunday I wish to have every week. The lunch at Waraku was WOW WOW WOW!!! I was totally speachless. It was supposed to be a treat for my birthday that my aunt owed me. Later, we went to the arcade and was playing that stupid sweet thing, where you scoop the sweet and let the machine push push push then see how many sweets drop. I wonder how my aunt was still willing to spend 10 bucks on it. And I got a baby plant as a handphone chain(a real plant). When it overgrows the bottle, I can take it out to grow it.

Some special day it is today?
It is indeed.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACE!! You're finally 21. Many things must have happened the past 20 years. It time for you to live life differently, cause it's now freedom.

Tomorrow, no school. Tuesday, no paper=no school. Wednesday, E Maths paper. Thursday, A Maths paper(DIE!). Friday, no paper=no school.
Only two days of school for me this week. YES!!

Exam Period...

2009-05-01T18:54:00.002+08:00

It's May already. Exams started few days ago. Chinese and English down. Up next is Core Geog and Elect Lit. This time, I'm studying so freaking hard. Trying to memorise all the tested chapters for Geog. It's so hard! Literature, I haven't even completed reading TiKAMb. Struggling to pass everything, after having failed five subjects for CA 1 and "achieving" the first(from the back) position in class. So pathetic can. That was how bad March was for me.

Yesterday I was supposed to study Plate movements, but Mr Ang was online so I asked him to teach me Bio. In the end I didn't study that chapter, as planned to. And worse still, I tried to keep myself awake in front of the computer at around 11:30. I was 拜拜ing in front of the computer. Was so tired after having Chem and Bio remedial after school till 5+. Tired dead already but still... Might as well, since he's seldom online. Or should I say, he's always online, just that he only comes on late at night at 11++, 12 or so. And I don't know how he still can come to school so early the next day. Usually he sleeps around 3, I guess, judging from the time he comes online.

Anyway, today I packed my study room. Not much to pack though. And I have to cram 3 chapters today. Plate movement, Rivers and Coast. The process for Geog may be a tough one, but it's much easier to score compared to Lit. Questions are easier to answer. If Lit you don't get the question, you lose 25 marks. That means that the others have to be really well done to pull your marks up. So smart of me to choose Core Geog.

Going off for dinner soon. Then I'll be back to studying again. Rivers and Coast! Haizz most probably not tested much, as teachers say so, so don't need study so in detail. Hack that... Plate tectonic, plate movement and earthquakes more important. Alright gtg now. I'm a busy bee, haven't been blogging realistic post. Songs were just to help keep it alive.

We Are The Reason

2009-04-28T18:39:00.003+08:00

Verse 1

As little children we would dream of Christmas morn

Of all the gifts and toys we knew we'd find

But we never realized a baby born one blessed night

Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

Chorus

We were the reason that He gave His life

We were the reason that He suffered and died

To a world that was lost He gave all He could give

To show us the reason to live

Verse 2

As the years went by we learned more about gifts

The giving of ourselves and what that means

On a dark and cloudy day a man hung crying in the rain

All because of love All because of love

Chorus

Bridge

I finally found the reason for living

It's in giving every part of my heart to Him

And all that I do every word that I say

I'll be giving my all just for Him

For Him

Chorus

Happy Sunday

2009-04-26T15:56:00.002+08:00

Finally I can settle down before God, after so much that has happened. Finally a time to come before God and lay aside everything for Him to take charge. For once I'm sitting in the middle of the sanctuary. Usually I sit with the youths at the left, facing pulpit, and not listen at all. Today I was listening. Tough thing to do especially when you don't get what the pastor is talking about, besides all the jokes he crack.

Ever since Thursday, I've been happy. Too happy to do anything, so I choose to practise some songs with my guitar. Still figuring out many stuff. Graham has been of great help all the while when I first picked up a guitar. He has over 400 videos in youtube on the instructionals of different songs and also how the song will sound like when played in whole. He's got a great blog: http://grahamchoo.blogspot.com/ with a tagbox that's forever flooded. He's one talented guy, blessed by God to help one and all. I just wish I was like him when comes to guitar, but I know I have other talents and I'll seek it and use it wisely. Now my skin's peeling. My sprained thumb's yet to recover, but hack care.

Tomorrow got Chinese paper. Mid years are coming fast. So early. I barely have any time to study. Feel like slacking still, but no more time. Got to catch up now after missing out on so much.

So happy that today rained! Have been hot the past few days. And rain wasn't a downpour, becuase God heard my prayer:D

It's Finally Over...

2009-04-23T19:21:00.004+08:00

The tired days are gone. The late nights are gone. SYF and EMDD are finally over and gone for good. Might have been killed if there were even more days. Now, I'm just happy to see that those days are far away.

Yesterday was happy and sad. So contradicting.
Happy: Last day for CO-related things, Great time spent together, Time never seemed to move, Great memories to keep.
Sad: Seniors all leaving CO(their last day), Their last performance, Ms Soo's leaving soon

I played better during matinee, which was not supposed to be the case. At least I did fairly okay during Gala Night. I couldn't see the conductor on both performance, resulting in not so very good playing.

Our room was all the way upstairs. We all had a nice workout that whole day yesterday. Go up and down, up and down, not forgetting the basement also. Lunch and dinner was cheating. The dishes were so little and that whole lot of rice in one packet. So high in carbo... I didn't want to touch the rice, so in fact I wasted quite a lot and I'm guity. But what do you expect when you're given so much rice and only small amount of dishes(3 different: chicken, tofu, vege), same for each meal.

Got home at 11:45 pm. Showered and packed my books and headed to bed straight. Fell asleep instantaneously. School started at 8.25 today. Still there were people late. Not only that, there were 40 late commers. So surprising! Everyone must have been 累坏了. I didn't want to wake up either.

Just got up actually. Slept from 4.30 till 7. Long nap. Too tired.

PS. I'm going to miss Ming Wai, cause I'm alone teaching now. Hope the juniors don't make me angry anymore. So hard to control them, so ARGH!!

KC...

2009-04-21T20:20:00.003+08:00

KCCO got Silver. Our dream for GOLD has been ruined. The standards was raised and rivervalley, before us, got Gold with Honour last year and only a Gold this year. Quite sad that we didn't manage to break the record. In fact, I was too sad to even cry. After all those effort we had put in the past one year plus, especially this past two months, we only got a silver. It's so disappointing. I had wanted to put the blame on some people, but eventually decided not to since we are an orchestra.

EMDD technical run was rather bad today. Today I learned how much I should dislike teachers of this school. Was it a must to draw a clear line between teachers and students? Do we not deserve respect too? Ms Nadia, she blamed us for not telling her the correct number of chairs we need. Then after that, though she knew we were holding on to our instruments, she said to us "Do you not have hands that you need people to help carry your chair to your place?" That was too much! I know she's not that kind of person, but I why did she do this? Simply, she just wants to join in with all the other teachers and be mean. And before that, when I left my reed in my purse and it's in the zip lock bag kept in a locker, I told her and she said that I'm causing a trouble. I admit that I should have taken it with me, but is forgetfulness preventable? NO! It's so frustrating.. even Ms Soo wasn't angry when she was the one taking the trouble to open the locker for me and wait for me to find my things. I used to think highly of Ms Nadia, but now I have to think twice before I shoot out any compliments on her. Just because she knows many teachers... just because many of them likes her... she's so stuck up.

I've totally changed my thoughts about KC. Everytime I pass the General Office, I look at the door and I make a promise to myself to always say " The school spends money on wrong things." I'd rather they make CO's budget higher than they spend money on a stupid glass door that will eventually shatter if something happens. My class was told that the school's going under PRIME soon. That makes me even more angry, because if they want to change the school, I'd rather they change it once and for all and not part by part till PRIME time arrives. And the thing out of all these... they are going to raise donations from us for the PRIME. Why ask us for money to rebuild the school when we will no longer be around? Why predict that we are going to let our daughters come to KC in the future? And when did we say we are going to all get married? Even so, how can you be so sure that we will give birth? And so what if we give birth? Can they tell that our offsprings would be a girl and not a boy? And when we have a girl, did we ever say we're going to let them come to such a lousy school? NO to all the questions, absolutely NO! KC is getting on top of everyone. Teachers are mostly bias. Only a few deserve our genuine respect, care and concern.

Just DAMN this whole school!

SYF

2009-04-20T16:37:00.002+08:00

Early in the morning at 7, CO was practising hard for our VID(Very Important Day). At 7:40, we departed from school. At 8 over, we arrived at SCH. Got our things prepared. Waited for about 45 minutes or so for our turn to have our final practice. At 10, we were up on stage for our "CO exam". At 10:20, we ended and some were sad, some like me was happy, while others were anxious for the results. At 5, the results will be announced. But sad to say that we will only get to know the results tomorrow morning at 7, outside the music room. But for me, I'll know the results today, cause my instructor is going to let me know of it soon.

Back at school, we changed out of our CO uniform into school uniform. Though it was not yet the end of the day, I was already high. Happy with my performance. Then we had this 1 hour break before going back to class. Since we finished our food by 45 minutes, we waited for the bell to ring at 12:45 before heading back to class. And that 15 minutes was spent sleeping or chatting or resting in the dark gym. Many were reluctant to go back to class. So we took a stroll back.

Tomorrow we have EMDD technical run. Have to skip school again and it's a rather sad thing. I have never skipped school before, apart for when I fractured my wrist back then in primary school. And this week we are skipping school, three days straight. I just can't believe it.

Till now, I'm still overjoyed. I can't believe that I managed to play so well on stage today. That 10 minutes we had for practice, I didn't manage to do well. I played rather bad. It's a surprise that I made no mistakes during SYF's Central Judging. For once I can lift my head high!

2009-04-19T17:56:00.002+08:00

Just one more day to SYF! Tomorrow is the "BIG" day! GO KCCO!!! WE CAN DO IT!
GO KC Choir too! SYF the same day. The two big grouped CCA will be gone for good tomorrow.

Things to note for tomorrow:
1) Reach school between 6:30 and 6:45
2) Bring along school uniform and school shoes
3) Bring books for after 12 o'clock
4) Scream for joy when the day ends

PFT on friday was great! Too great in fact. Bet everyone is jealous of me for getting so high for everything, but sorry to say that I wasn't showing off. I was just doing my somewhat best to get the best. I wasn't even prepared. Sit-up-> 44, Standing broad jump-> 190, Inclined pull-up-> 17, Sit & reach-> 55, Shuttle run-> 11.3
Everyone was wahlaoing me, but I ignore. Even Mr Lee was shocked when he asked me what CCA I'm in and I say CO... Haha! He must have expected me to say that I'm from some sports CCA...

EMDD... coming soon. All unprepared. There was SYF for all performing arts CCA and now EMDD just came too sudden. Hope it'll be successful.

Who Am I?

2009-04-17T22:55:00.002+08:00

I'm nobody. Nobody great. You too. Only God is great. Think about the creation of things. From the smallest atom or cell to the largest planet. Think beyond. Think of the whole universe. The Milky Way galaxy... anything that comes into your head.

THINK! For that's how great our God is. The functions of different things. The reasons that He placed them here! Just THINK!

Weighed Down

2009-04-17T20:23:00.002+08:00

Grandma in hospital, Mum's sick, I'm still coughing, SYF is 2 days away, EMDD is 2 days after SYF, Mid-Year's starting from 27th April. Just weighed down to the lowest moments. My world turned grey.

Had to cook for mum today. Dinner felt plain. It's different. I feel like a poor child, sick and tired, looking after mother. Ate dinner myself and it just seems so different. I think about it... Those TV shows about those children, small and frail, taking care of their parents... It feel like that to me. Seemingly joyful in school, but never expect this. Home is where all problems pop up.

Call it an unlucky day? I don't think it's the right word to use. It's just meant to be this way and accept it as it is.

I sprained my thumb during PE. I slipped and fell forward when I landed for standing broad jump. Now it hurts and I'm just fortunate that it wasn't hurting during CO or I wouldn't even have been able to hold my instrument. All things are affecting my CO. First was ulcer, then was sore throat. And now, my thumb, the most important finger.

My days are fading... it's collapsing... crumbling and diving downwards. I want to be set free... I want to let go of all things. I just need time alone.

2009-04-15T20:31:00.003+08:00

Sun was hot, day was humid. Yet it wasn't a bad day. Our class' plant has five shoots growing, since the beginging of last week when we started growing it. The plant's name is spiral. We talk to them everyday:D Oh... and I should pray over the plant for it to grow well too, so that our class can win the competition... ^_^

Anyway, after school was fun. CO as usual, but Ming Wai and I were talking softly, chatting happily. Then during break, we were out the drama room, near the field, playing soccer. Not really of soccer, but practicing skills and kicking the ball around. I managed to kick the ball high up into the air which the ball later landed on the roof of the storage room. I did that twice. There's once when I managed to roll the ball from the floor onto my foot and lift the ball from there. Then I wanted to kick the ball while it was landing, but in the end, the ball was to far and I kicked air with a jumping style. And then we were late for the 'after break' practice.

Then we continued our chat again. This time, we were talking about soccer. Talking about imagining if I kicked the ball so high up, crashing into the roof of the gym, making a big hole and talking about flooding the whole gym when it rains. And somehow, dunno how we link link link till we were talking about falling of from a building and laughing at our own make up style of falling. Then we link link link again till we were talking about KCP and what the scary places were.

So this was the day.

And today's sky, meaning the clouds, just doesn't seem to be as nice as the past few days'. But the sun looks beautiful. I seem to have fallen in love with the beauty of God's creation.

5 More Days to SYF! I just can't imagine how time flies. I'm barely prepared. Less than a week to remind myself about the day and how I should react on the day itself. I have been trying to tell myself to play that high Do properly, but it just doesn't go the way I want it sometimes. Whenever I think about it, I panic that I won't play it well, then the end result will be my note is not reached. Whereas when I play normally without worrying, sometimes I make it and sometimes I don't. I can't stay this way. Things has got to change. I not planning to pull KCCO down. We've practice hard enough to get a GOLD. I'm sure we can make it. JIA YOU KCCO!!!

2009-04-13T21:18:00.002+08:00

7 More Days to SYF. Today is Drama. Tomorrow is Dance. Next week is ours... 紧张. Everyone's tired and sick of CO. I'm down with cough, flu, sore throat and slight fever(occasionally). How to last? I have one whole week and three days more before CO really comes to an end. Die die also must survive. 5 days for recovery. Sunday for final rehersal and Monday for SYF. Can't afford to be ill throughout. I must Pray and Pray and Pray. Speedy recovery!!!

MCS-Bronze(know already)
Dance's target- Gold with Honour
CO's target - Gold

2009-04-12T21:19:00.002+08:00

It's just one more week to SYF. ONLY ONE! But I'm sick... Sick again after falling ill in the beginning of 2009, and after having horrible March. Most probably I tire myself too much. I wouldn't blame it solely on CO, cause there are other things too.

Sleep through from 5+ to 7+ this afternoon. Finally some serious resting. Didn't feel like waking up... not until my dad called home.

Grandma just had her operation yesterday at TTSH. Hope she's fine. She hates it there. She's afraid...afraid to go for check ups. Though she's a little stubbon when at home, I'm sure my aunt would love her to be back home. Making trips to hospital isn't all that fun. Worrying is even worse.

8 days more to SYF 10 days to EMDD. Skipping skewl on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I mean for the sake of performance and stuff. Monday SYF. Tuesday, Rehersal for EMDD. Wednesday, EMDD. And we will reach school at only 11.45pm on wednesday. Next day still have school. Homework, I bet there will be a whole lot to do, as usual.
At least it's just one week and three days more to suffer and the rest will be fun. Before fun is rest. Then I shall countdown to June Holidays.

2009-04-10T21:04:00.002+08:00

Woohoo! Surprisingly I managed to sleep through till 9.45. Prayers do get answered by God. I feel so alive!!

Anyway, today wasn't a 100% good day either. My father's side grandma was in hospital, and I was there for a visit. And for a short visit, I now have a long story to tell.

I stepped into the Hospital and suddenly all the past memories came flashing back like a video clip. I remember the first time I step into a hospital when I was primary 1. Back then, I was at East Shore, doing an X-Ray, due to a fall which fractured my left wrist. There after, I had to go to Gleneagles about 2 times a week to change my cast. That was one tough period. I could not do things properly. I remember I had to trouble my partner to write for me. Well, at least it was my left hand and not my right. That was one thought.

The next was the time my mother's side grandma had diabetes. So sad, thinking about it now. Then, I didn't even know why was all these happening and I didn't even care much. My grandma's leg was amputated and I only visited her a few times. She came home. Then one day she had stroke and was admitted again. That time was during the SARS period. And the worst of all things was I wasn't even allowed to visit, cause they restricted large number of visitors. And that was when she died. Looking back into those days, I realise how much my grandma meant to me. I did not show what I felt inside, but it just brings me to tears in bed when my parents was fast asleep.

The love from my grandma was of much difference compared to that of my parents. The way she told me stories about the kampong days till I fall asleep. Everything was sweet when I was with her. Then her funeral... I just didn't dare look into the coffin. That pale look. I peeked and walked away with shock. When she was burnt... when her ashes where collected... When I went to visit her remains... All were memories. This reminds me that her death anniversary is coming soon. May...

That's not all, cause the thought about death came to me again. I just thought what will it be like when I'm old? How will I die? I really hope the end time comes so I don't have to face death or old age. I want to see Jesus coming down on snow white horses or clouds to bring everyone who trusts in Him, home to heaven where we first came from. I just want to be cleansed and purified and be brought back into eternity with the Lord.

2009-04-09T20:22:00.002+08:00

Good Friday- tomorrow!! = No school, also = Sleeping Day! Hopefully that can happen, cause my dad might just wake me up from my sweet dreams.

These few days, or should I say this whole week, have been far too tiring. CO practice everyday has not allowed me to concentrate on my work. I was never able to finish my homework, either because I was too tired or there were too many to be done and I just didn't have the mood. Each day, I'm much much more tired than the previous one. And Good Friday just come in time to save me.

Today was full of movements. Bio in class and then SS in 5/1 cause (you know who...I can't name) got injured and so we have to move instead. Recess, I was too lazy to go down. At the same time, I'm trying to avoid being "famous" for helping peeps buy food and sneak up to class. So I ended up doing English. Geog in 3/3(move again) English back in class and so is Chem. Then was CO... Went to classroom for barely 10 minutes and we had to move to canteen for combine, since Drama gers and don't know what CCA gers were occupying our "booked" areas. Combine at canteen was not idealistic at all. No proper chairs and space was limited. From audiences' point of view, I was supposed to be on the right, but I had to be on the left today. I spoiled the whole beginning today. I couldn't even remember fingerings for "overture" and just played nonsense. Even though I ran to take my file, the best thing was it was on the floor and whenever I lift my hands to play, it would be blocked, so it made no difference.

Today was totally tiring. And so today was the slowest walk I walked to the bus stop. I think I took about fifteen minutes. walking sloppily and strengthless. And after I bathed, I went to bed for 10 mintues when my father went down to get dinner. I didn't even know I fell asleep till my alarm went off. I was still in dreamland, unaware that I was sleeping.

Not planning to do any work today. Going to bed early tonight. And hope to sleep through to 10 tomorrow. My dad better not wake me up at 9. That's unless he has no heart or he wants me to die of lack of sleep. Haaaaaaa!

Brain dead.

2009-04-07T21:51:00.002+08:00

Facing another disappointment... REJECTION!

I know I'm new in H Comm. I was given the task with another member to make a video or powerpoint slides on some announcement. I did a video. That girl did a powerpoint slide. I took more than three hours figuring out how to make a video and thinking what should be added. I did that instead of doing my work or revising. I knew I didn't have enough time to make it if I leave it to last minute, cause CO practice is everyday and I have other stuff to do also. It's just so disappointing to know that my piece got rejected. That girl's work was way too simple. Not very intresting either. And for me to produce that kind of work, it requires me about half an hour only. I added the more important stuff while she didn't. So I'm hoping that they'll change their mind and choose mine, but I doubt they will. I'm just speechless. I forgive them for not knowing how busy I am, but at least they should know that I would be taking a longer time to do a video compared to a powerpoint slide. It's sad.

Being in Hospitality Comm, my hope is to bring joy to people's life, but how can it be made possible if my life is so suckish? Can't people ever spare a thought for me? I know that I seldom ever talk to them. That doesn't mean I don't count them as my friend or I dislike them. That's my character, and I think they're just being bias, cause the other girl is their good friend and also the youth pastor's daughter.

I hate having to let everything out here in this blog, cause it's somehow a bad thing to do(as what I think). I don't like offending anyone or stuff like that, but it's hard to, when you put in so much effort into something you were asked to do and it was rejected when compared to another that's so simple. Speaking truthfully, anyone can do that kind of work! It's so plain! The whole thing is white all the way and so empty. Who can't do it?

I don't want to go on blabbering about such stuff anymore, and I wish I don't have to in the future. Not only do I not like it, but everyone.

SYF is just 13 days away. Not long ago we said we still have a month. Now it's only 13 days. So everyday were having practice. Finding the strength to hold on...

2009-04-04T20:22:00.002+08:00

Clouds...

The only thing I would look at when I'm sad. It suits my mood. It calms me. I try to find a silver lining behind every cloud, because it reminds me of God being so great. I reminds me that God is always there for me. Something will bound to happen, despite all the bad things.

Clouds...

It would not have been the same when I'm angry. I would just look at the clouds, hoping that it would take my anger away, but NO! I look at it, close my eyes and look elsewhere. Not what I would wish to see when I'm angry, because too many things are forming in my head, I just can't keep calm.

Whenever you see me looking at the clouds, be reminded of what I said. I'm sad.

Switch!

I'm not sad today.. Haha. More of Happy!! Gee:D But just thought of writing this.

Today was great. Greater than I thought it would be. Though bits of bad comes along the way, but they get get out of my head as soon as they got in. I don't know why, but somehow, today just felt different. It felt like I was living a new lease of life.

I'm reading this book called "Out of Order", and the story seems to match my life a little. Not the things done, but more of the mental and emotional ones. This book captures me. It feel like I'm reading my own story, just different settings and different people, doing different things. Why had I chosen this book? I still wonder. But I have no idea why is this book so attractive, to me. It feels different looking at this book and others. It feels... REAL.

I never liked reading. But this book is a magnet. I can never get my eyes off it, not till I'm done with it.

Tomorrow, 1st Sunday, Ushering. My mind's just thinking about Hospitality Comm now. I don't know if it was the right choice. I thought it was, but I didn't commit it to God. I don't know if this was where He wants me to serve. It may be something I'm capable of, but I won't know for sure. I'm also worried that I'll miss out on a lot in H Comm. I'm busy... well, most of the time. I have to cope everything. I can't do this alone, can I? Feels..... (I don't know).....crazy? Too much.

2009-04-03T20:29:00.002+08:00

This year has been special. I have something that I like each time I start to lose intrest in the previous one. At one point of time, it's bad.

Now I'm liking sports so so very much. I feel like going out everyday to play or run do anything related to sports. The past months have been tiring, but now, no matter how tired I am, I still have the mood to play. Take example today when we had PE. We were playing Badminton as usual, and I was exhausted jumping around, trying hard to not miss any shot. It ended that I sat down playing, but later got up again. Worned out as I am, I still played on, finding so much fun in it that I didn't even wish that PE would end. I really don't mind having PE for half the day. Now, after the jumping and squating and kneeling, even sliding, I grazed my knee a little. Yet I still have the mood to play now, at this hour, at 9.15.
This reminds me of my dad's promise to get me badminton racket so that I can play with my friends when I was younger, but now, the promise is long forgotten already.

Tomorrow I can finally go for my A Maths tuition, after having skipped it for 2 long weeks. But next week and the week after, I have to skip it again. Only after that will I get to go for tuition continuously. How far back am I from the rest?? After tuition, I'm going Church for meeting. Finally, I'm in Hospitality Commitee... comfirmed! And then back home for Chinese tuition. Yay! another fun filled Saturday. Is Tuition Fun?? Maybe it is...Lol. Can't wait till SYF is over. 19 more days(countdown). Happy to see the number get smaller each day. Anxious! Time to correct all my mistakes! No more slaking!

APRIL!

2009-04-01T21:23:00.003+08:00

The long awaited April have finally arrived, but I wonder if it'll be a good one. The day went alright today. But not at the middle.

BMW came to a close today, but the activities was a whole lot of fun. Soccer was unforgetable. That shot by me in the first round got my team into the second round. That was the only shot from my group. The rest was because of time out and so both teams were given chance to stike the ball. In the end, we got through another round and got into the semi finals, which we later lost by just a few centimetres. The ball hit the post instead of going into the net...sad. Anyway, it was fun and I didn't feel like ending the game. Really thank Ms Koh for playing for us in the first round and Ms Azlynda(spelling) for the second and semis.

Then I was wandering around foyer looking at the buskers. Somehow, that was where (I wander who) spoiled my mood. Disappointed... Rejected... And I knew what I said in the past was true. My senses was right too.

The teachers were the entertainers for today. Mostly dressed in school uniform. Some wore them throughout the day, while others took it off after the assembly. All look different. Some cute, but others too old to look like a secondary school girl(no offence). I was just wondering why didn't they choose a male teacher to put on our uniform... lol. It would have made everyone die of laughing. Still, everyone enjoyed their time.

So April is here. I'm hoping for the best. Wasn't a fantastic start, but I await better days.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

2009-03-30T22:06:00.002+08:00

Must March be so torturing?... till the very end??

It's Enough! I've had Enough! It's just driving me insane!

If those times just weren't enough... Why should it last till the end?

So all I was doing was sleeping away. Yes! I'm tired. Indeed, tired till I can tire no more. Sleeping... just sleeping. I told my dad that I want to sleep. He said he would wake me up at 8.45. I said alright. Then I slept through all the way, not knowing if he had tried to wake me up before or anything. All I know was I got whacked at 9.15. That was when I woke up. I don't know how long he's been trying to wake me up or whatsoever, but was that whack required? I was just in some deep deep sleep. Deep enough for me to not wake up anytime soon, by any calling. So not only did I get that whack... He started to nag AGAIN!! As if I hadn't enough! So he was actually blaming me. He was thinking that I was ignoring him while he was trying to wake me up, when in actual fact I don't even know if the world had already ended. I knew nothing at all. So that nagging was all that useless. But it sure did bring my mood off. It just goes to show how much he actually know me. In fact, how "much". Had he bothered to understand me better... Had he showed he cared, in other forms. It's disappointing...

I'm tired. Tired of anything and everything under the sun. This is so not the life I am hoping for. When, oh when will the time come for me to depart? I'm now tired of school, tired of home, tired of getting nagged at, tired of life. Mostly, tired of having to hide my emotions, showing the other me in the virtual world. No one knows who I am. No other than God.

Is life going to go on like this? I want to leave for good already. I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!

2009-03-28T15:44:00.002+08:00

Co beacame part of my life, which is a very good thing. The perfect time to fall in love with the practices and suona. SYF is only a few weeks away. All are somehow counting down and playing their best. Practices became more and more often. More tuitions and stuffs have to be missed, but that's ok to me. I love CO. Never thought that we were playing so well till I was listening to them and not playing, from the room beside. We always thought that our standards is not yet there, but surprisingly, we played beautifully.

The weeks to come is going to be very busy. We have BMW performance this Monday. And on 20th April we have SYF. 22nd April is EMDD. The time is tight and we are chionging like nuts. In the midst of all these, don't forget that we still have CAs. CA 2 is here, after that one week of break from studies. Above CCAs, we still have studies to catch up with. Everything is 'messy'. Everyone is 'messy'.

These few days, I've been having ulcers again. And today, another one just grew. I'm struggling to play my suona, cause it hurts a lot. *sigh* Hope the period when we are having the SYF and EMDD, I will not have any. I'll just bring the whole CO down, and I don't want that to happen.

Recently, I also feel in love with the 酒歌 song, played by VS for their Choice piece for SYF. After everything is over, I'm going to practice that song! Yay! Only this song can make me feel pro...lol.

Anyway, I feel like having CO continuously and don't study. Why is there such a thing as CA2? And the time span is so short, from CA1. So unfair. Why can't we have mini test each week and combine the scores to form our CA marks?

8 More Days...

2009-03-23T20:48:00.002+08:00

March-8 more days.
Hoping that this month pass soon. There have been more bad than good. I'm witing for June holidays to get a good rest, after those tiring CO practices. Not that I'm fully blaming CO, but much bad stuff happened because of CO. Sometimes over practising just doesn't help us to improve. Sometimes, people like the woodwind section, deserve a break from all those blowing. It's hard to control breath power when we practice too much, because we are afraid that we will sound flat and therefore we use more strength, resulting in sharp or high pitched notes that eventually irritates Mr Goh.

I'm trying hard to get myself destressed. It's tough to just be thrown with this and that and still be happy.

These days goes all to God. The good times, the bad times. It's my life I'm offering up to Him. I'm not perfect, but God will turn my mistakes into something pleasing.

This is part of life, and I'm taking it as a stepping stone for my future.

My Fear [Do pray for me]

2009-03-22T21:33:00.003+08:00

All because of yesterday night, I fear death. I had a dream about my cousin dying. He died on a holiday trip while he was watching some natural water fountain. He was pushed upwards by the very strong fountain and later dropped from a great height onto the ground and died instantaneously. It was a horrible dream. I woke up shivering uncontrollably. I was too afaid of everything around me that I called my mum over to sleep with me. I was thinking... the dream wouldn't come true, yes. But what if in real life, instead of him dying, I die first. I didn't dare go back to sleep, afraid of dying in my sleep. I was telling God to comfort me and not to take me back home with him that night. I'm not ready to meet him. I have much of live still not done. If I'm gone, I don't know what will happen. My mind was running real wild and I just didn't want to return to sleep. I thought I could stay up all night till the next morning, but when I saw the time on my handphone-3.00-I was like...oh NO!!! I can't stay awake for so long. I'm very tired. Too tired to stay up for so long. So I was praying and praying, hoping for the best. I closed my eyes. I tried to sleep. It was freezing, because I was cold sweating. It was scary. Whenever I want to fall asleep, That vision of my cousin's dead would linger in me, preventing me from falling asleep. I stayed up till very late, until I felt so sleepy, I didn't even realise that I fell asleep till I woke up the this morning.

Now, at home, I am again reminded about that dream. I had forgotten about it in the morning, but it seems like whenever I'm at home, it just get stuck to me and I'll be shivering again. As I walked into my room after reaching home from school, my heart raced. That fear of death is not yet forgotten. Tonight, I'm afraid I can't fall asleep again. I have school tomorrow. I still worry. I don't feel like doing anything. Not till I forget about that dream. The worst dream I've ever had.

This dream really makes me feel like crying. I was reminded about one song where the lyrics goes: A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep. I feel rather guilty now. It's not true that I want my cousin to die. If it was true, I wouldn't even have shivered in fear. Everytime I'm in my room, I feel like something's following me. As if it was the spirit of my cousin haunting me. It's spooky.

I know that Jesus has conquered death, but thinking about what's not completed in my life, I can't seem to let go. I can't RIP even if I'm dead. My mind's very messy now. Everything is coming to me. I can't take this fear. I don't dare to even close my eyes. How can I possibly even fall asleep?

Prayer's all I need now. Do pray for me, while I pray for myself at the same time. This month have got to pass faster. It's too slow. Slow when all bad things are happening. Fast when all good are here.

PRAY! PLEASE!

PS tell me if you prayed for me. I owe you something. Give you a treat one day. I'm serious.

2009-03-21T17:07:00.004+08:00

Absolute Answers

Have you ever heard anyone say that truth is relative? Maybe you’ve even heard someone say, 'Your truth isn’t necessarily my truth. What’s true for you may not be true for me.' Ever say that yourself?

Some people think that truth and standards of right and wrong change from decade to decade or from person to person. They make choices based on society’s or their peers’ definitions of right and wrong. Like Judges 21:25 says, 'The people [do] whatever seem[s] right in their own eyes' (Judg 21:25). Does that describe anyone you know?

Magazines, newspapers, and Internet carry story after story about lifestyle choices: a unmarried couple who lives together before marriage ('After all, we’re in love'); a person who finally decides to break 'free' of the shackles of heterosexual life to explore his or her 'true' nature as a homosexual; a teen who just wants to be free to express his or her sexuality; a pastor who decides to bless the union of a same-sex couple—the list goes on. If you didn’t catch those, just wait for the follow-up talk shows and movies. Many of these choices are made in the name of tolerance and other forms of political correctness. Those opposed to these lifestyle choices are viewed as intolerant, especially if society gives them the green light.

Wondering what’s truly right or wrong? The Bible provides definite answers. The Ten Commandments and other laws reveal God’s standards of right and wrong. Take murder for example. God says no to that. What about adultery? Don’t even think about it. Stealing? Ditto. But honoring God and your parents are good moves.

Although times change, God’s standards never do. 'Your eternal word, O Lord, stands firm in heaven' (Ps 119:89). 'The very essence of your words is truth; all your just regulations will stand forever' (Ps 119:160). Because God’s standards always are the same, some are quick to describe the Bible as old-fashioned or lacking in relevance. Others might ignore it because they resent being measured by its standards. What’s your view?
--------------Taken from Tyndale weekly devotion for teenagers--------------

So I ask. Do I have to obey my parents no matter how bad they treat me? And if so, what if they are in the wrong? Do I still follow according to their words? In times of sorrows and they do not provide the care and comfort that you require, but makes your day bad from right in the morni ng at 6.30, do I really still have to bother about all they have to say to me?

Yes! I do feel guilty of not obeying them, in a sense, but could they have done it in another way, satisfying both parties? Do they have to spoil the meaning of the new day? Act rash due to other reasons, not relating to the situation at all? Why?

I don't get their doings. They just made this whole day seem so unwelcoming. In the morning...6:30... NAGGINGS!!!...Black Faces!!! If it just wasn't enough. Scolding me for making a trip to CDAC just to return 10 bucks which I owe to the aunty who paid for me so willingly. It doesn't make any sense to me. Picking on me, thinking that I'm afraid of strangers when I'm not? SO YOU ARE TRYING TO TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG TO RETURN THAT 10 BUCKS? Just because I have CCA today and can't make it for tuition doesn't mean that I will delay the time to pay.

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH THEY CHANGED ME! THEY DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH THEY'VE HURT ME? Am I still worth living here? Is my presence ever accepted from them?

Just when I thought the days are getting better... It went not only this far today.
Out of all days to forget to bring my reed, I forget it today, on the day we have RI exchange. This isn't all, but naming them all would take me a long time and I'm having tuition soon.

Should I go to Church tomorrow? I have to usher, but I have to reach school by 12.30. This means that if I make a trip home to change into CO uniform, I have to leave Church by 10. And going to Church at nine and leaving at ten doesn't make much of a difference from me not going to Church. But who's going to take over me for ushering?

If only I could, I would be a missionary now. I would not be here in Singapore with people I don't wish to see. I'd rather be in a far away land, getting to know God's people and seeing His kingdom grow. What a great thing it would be. I'd rather have a life lead by God, for God than to be in somewhere I don't belong and satisfy no one. The days of mission are going to be better than anything I can think of now. Those tears of sorrows and joy. I can't seem to wait for the time to be a fulltime missionary. I'm not planning my life, because I know that when the time comes, God will just lead me to whatever He requires me to do. Whether I'm going to work in the future to raise money or just go into mission fields with only God as my provider, it's all up to Him. This life will be made acceptable to Him, by Him, because only He knows the right path.

Till I See You

2009-03-18T20:57:00.002+08:00

Verse 1:
Greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
Till I see you face to face
And Grace amazing takes me home, I'll trust in you

Verse 2:
With all I am I'll live to see your kingdom come
And in my heart I'll pray you'll let your will be done
Till I see you face to face
And Grace amazing takes me home, I'll trust in you

Chorus:
I will live, to love you
I will live, to bring you praise
I will live, a child in awe of you

Verse 3:
You are the voice that calls the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
Till I see you face to face
And Grace amazing takes me home, I'll trust in you

Chorus (x2)

Bridge:
You alone, are God of all
You alone, are worthy Lord
And with all I am, my soul will bless Your Name

Verse 1

The first time the suonas worked super duper uper hard. Even during break we were still practising. And in total before combine, we played 27 times. We have decided to complete the 100 times as told by Mr Yeo to do so. Over practice resulted in us pitching too high.

And for the first time after the past few mountainous days, today finally went well. Not so much of sad today. Maybe with little reminiscing of the bad times.

Holidays will never be the same if I don't practice my guitar. Found myself sitting for hours just happily playing one song over and over again. Should recall the past few somewhat successful songs. *Play back*

Yeah! Another free day. But still I wish that we will have CO sectionals tomorrow. I want to finish that 100 times. Not only that, I want them played perfectly. Todays practice just didn't feel like it was enough. At least there's extra practice on Friday before combine from 10-12 Yay! Haope to manage that other 73 times. Actually I don't think it's possible, but yupp... play as many times possible.

Btw, my blog's not private anymore... hee
Didn't feel the need to leave it private anymore.

PS: I burnt my finger on monday while baking cookies cause I was taking out the tray from the oven with one hand(in glove) and when the glove became hot, I just wanted to change hand, but forget that the other hand got no glove...lol. And for once my finger is shiny.

There's No Turning Back!

2009-03-17T13:06:00.002+08:00

Little did I expect to find my days getting worse and worse. The days of Febuary was full of joy and satisfaction. But now, March just doesn't seem to go very well. So much of being unlucky being born in the year of March and all bad things, out of so many months, befall on this particular month. Even I can't predict what's the next feeling coming to me. Am I going to be angry? Sad? Lonely? Forsaken? Whatever... I can't seem to control it. It all just comes too sudden. It's barely half of March. I still have another half horrible month to pass. Not to say, the year 2009 might just get worse as each day passes.

Do not see who I am on the outside. Think of what I really am in the inside. Nothing of me is the same inside out. The appear-to-be-cheerful girl never was really cheerful at all. That shattered heart...

Just when I thought there was a way to hide, I realise there wasn't.

My dad never did once care to listen me out and he will never do that for as long as he's living. I knew well enough that everything should be done in whatever way that he demands. But I thought to myself, why should I obey him when he don't care. Shouldn't I show my defiant self to him? Why should I fear him? Just how much I hated him before, I am hating him the same. There's no change, simply because his attitude towards me didn't change. With that hell load of expectations from him, WITHOUT ANY CARE FROM HIM!, why should I care too? I don't give a damn to this kind of people, be it my parents, teachers, friends, whoever! All they know is N-A-G, N-A-G. Just N-A-G non-stop. Is listening so hard? Is solving it hard? If it is then why choose to adopt me! So that you have someone's heart to break? And if solving it was hard, then why do you not trust in God, take up that cross and follow Him. He will joyfully just provide when the need arises! Blame God for everything, that's all you know. If that was the case, I really don't know why God created you. A child so unfillial. No wonder you have a child that won't be bothered about your feelings. I know deep in me, I'm not this kind of person, but YOU! made me this way. You enjoy it so much. With tears flowing down my cheeks, you still didn't give up. You still persevered to destroy my image.

So indeed, the choice is going to be mine to leave for good when I'm older. You said it for yourself. Trust me! I will see joy in my own world and not interfere in your life anymore. Only then will you truely treasure my persence. And only then will you regret all that you've done. But I'm sorry, I'm not going back on my ways. I am here on this earth not to be a clown in the family. I am here to fulfill my mission that God set rooted for me. And my purpose of life is to bring joy and hope to people's life. God's will for me is stepping forth into the real world and see to the needs of others.

I'm going my own way... You can go your own. I'm not part of this family. I don't belong. I shall stand firm on my own two feet. The asian culture just totally don't suit me. I want to be carefree.

There's No Turning Back!

Friday The 13!

2009-03-13T19:44:00.003+08:00

According to people, every Friday the 13 is an unlucky day. True enough! Morning, didn't hear my alarm go off. Dad forgot to set his, so in the end this was what happened-----> LATE!! Right. So I was rushing to go to school since it was already 7++ so I decided to take a cab. But who knows, no cab came and I was late by a few minutes. That's not the end of the story, because there's more exciting ones coming up. So I was late, right? The day started with PE and then back to class lesson. I got to my table, finding my digital dictionary cover missing. A word that I rarely say, or abstrain myself from saying just shot out of my mouth uncontrollably. My books under my table was also rearranged. So for that instance, I knew that the blame's going to head for CO people using our classrooms. During Geography lesson, Shirleen and I were talking about bad luck stuff. Then it so happened that when I said "WHAT!!!" I leaned my head backwards and I'm sure all of you know what happened. I knocked my head on the sharp edge of the window panel. And the day went on fine till the end of school. I had to do DC! How frustrating can that be? Late, knocked on the head, DC on CO day! So I was begging to come back on holiday to do DC, since I had CO and I'm supposed to be the person taking the key because I am put in charged by Mdm Foo. But still, it was not bargainable, so I was *happily* doing DC. By the time DC for me was over, it was 3.30. And because I had not eaten anything for breakfast and ate only that tuna spread biscut for reccess, I was hungry. I headed down to canteen to get something to eat. But the stalls were almost all packed up except for the western stall and the dim sum stall. I wanted to eat something heavy to fill my stomach, but sadly, there were only fish left at the western stall. I ordered fish bun, but the auty said that there wasn't bun left, so I ate fish sandwich with cheese. MY MY! That's really bad yeah? Still a bit more to go. I finished up my food and went up. I was actually taking my own sweet time doing everything, hoping that I will go up at the time CO peeps have break. Walked up with my senior(came back for visit) and met TMW on the way, so went into the gym. Didn't want to go up myself cause I know I would have embarrassed myself for a stupid reason. So we were playing, playing and playing when Mr Goh said that we have to play alone for him to hear. No matter how low we tried to play, the suonas were still high pitched which pissed me off, because usually I play using the same strength but my note will be flat, and today Mr Goh's telling me that my note pian gao. CO was not very bad today. So CO ended and I went home. My bus came and I flagged, but the driver nearly didn't stop, so he was actually a bit distant from the bus stop.

That was my day, you see. How bad can a day get. But above it all, I got a call from CDAC, saying that there's a place for me for A Maths tuition. So this means that God again didn't fail me. He's still present in all bad times. I was mad, but it could have been worse if not for HIM, My Lover! Anyway, I'm hoping for the best out of that tuition, because I might still not be able to cope because it's a group tuition. I have to be there tomorrow. I'm thinking of whether or not to go. Some saturdays I have CO, so this means that I have tuition in the morning and later go straight for CO and rush home for Chinese tuition. And by the time I end Chinese tuition, it would have been 7.30, there about. And with what little time and energy I have, I have to complete my homework. I feel likfe a clown who juggles. I juggle time and work instead of balls. Sigh. That rushing madness is in me. I'm so not going to survive Sec 3 mann! I'm doomed.

To add on to the busy schedule, I have what I call-> the CCA Back to school holiday. This is why. Monday-> Social Studies extra lesson and Church
Tuesday-> Homework day
Wednesday-> CCA day
Thursday-> Extra CO practice
Friday-> CCA day
Saturday-> RI exchange(CO). Not forgetting the two tuitions
Sunday-> SCH CO rehersal for SYF(have to miss church)

So, does that make any difference to a normal school week? I would say it's even worse then normal school week. How possible is it for me to complete my Homework? I've got a million and one things do finish. Maths, there's loads of worsheets to complete. Chinese, there's newspaper, 作业 and moodle work(still have to memorise 50 成语 to be tested when school reopens. Chem, Worksheets and more worksheets and workbook. Geography, workbook and self study for plate tectonics. Literature, research. Social studies, project. PE, project. Gosh! That's bad.

Got to go finish as many homework as I can now.

PS. The people using 3/4 during CO are going to get it from me, cause I'm going to complain and make a big fuss out of it. BEWARE!

unHAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

2009-03-12T20:38:00.002+08:00

What's the point of getting a greeting of Happy Birthday when you're not at all happy from the crack of dawn? Today's my birthday, but it was bad. First thing, mum left early in the morning to fly off to Yun Nan. Didn't get to say a propper goodbye before she left. Then it was school. The thought of CO in my day was really bad. It totally brought my mood down. It got even worse during CO. I don't wish to state the reasons. Don't want to offend people. If you wish to know, come to me personally and I'll say it. Today just wasn't the day.

I was actually looking forward to this day because I thought it'd be great to somehow have a birthday on school day, cause my past birthday were all during the March Holidays. It wasn't a memorable birthday at school. Two consecutive years of birthday on CO day is enough for me.

Birthday= Repentance day

I'm coming back to the heart of worship, Father!

2009-03-11T21:10:00.002+08:00

Mad at CO again! What more do they want from me? Having CO practice on my birthday is bad enough. But what's with the last minute comfirmation. I was supposed to go out with my friends tomorrow for lunch, to somehow celebrate my birthday, but in the end, I have to be in school till 6 for CO! What was meant to be a happy day have been turned into something unexpected. Why can't it be comfirmed earlier? Don't those people ever have brains? Maybe they really don't.
So is it fated that bad things always happen during my birthday?

To get rid of all those frustration in me, I brisk walk my way home and even climbed up to my level, 10 storey, which by then I was almost dead. Now, I'm sleepy and totally worned out!

At least there was something good out of all the bad stuff. For the first time in my whole life's birthday, my mum gave me an ang pao. Last time, no celebration, no ang pao, no going out with friends and no gifts too. Even when my aunt celebrates for me, they don't seem happy. Anyway, I'm just going to do my English homework for today only and thats all. Cause I'll be fast asleep soon.

I'm hoping tomorrow don't get any worse. Now I'm wishing to complete my homework asap so that I can go to bed before my dad comes home. I've got some "plans" in mind.

?????????? CONFUSED ??????????

2009-03-10T21:45:00.003+08:00

I'm so dead. There's parents-teachers meeting day. Oh No! I fail almost all my subjects. You tell me how to face my mum and dad now? I'm still not coping well with sec 3. It wears me out so fast, I can't even break. Haven't been doing my homework lately. Just trying to catch up with the lost sleep. Maths... I totally don't understand a thing at all. Logarithms?? Roots?? Oh Mann. Have got to get an A maths tuition soon. Any recommendation. I need one to one tuition, or I'll never make it. If I fail A maths for Mid-Year, I have to drop it sadly. And there's no way I'm going to be left with 6 subjects or take up art. My mind is in a mess. I have to start working extremely hard this coming term or prepare to fail everything again. I can't afford to slack any longer. Not when I can't at all do well.

Good:Oh well... Work hard Rachel. Pray. Don't enjoy too much of life for now...Not the time yet.
Bad: But I want to enjoy life. I don't want to wait anymore. Too stressed. And what if the time for me to enjoy life never arrives?

Rahhh!!! Help!

I don't want 14th March to come. No!!! I'll be dying a horrible death that day. Prepare my funeral for me. Get ready some excuses for me before I die. Tell me how to face that day?

CO is making me stressed like hell! People, stop commenting at my playing. I'm pissed. I know I'm bad at playing. Would you at least understand my condition first. I can just fire bombs soon. SYF is so going to suck. If twice a week practice wasn't enough, what more do you want? Every second of my life? No way! CO's bugging me like some sickening mosquito. Give me a break!

The Time

2009-03-07T20:08:00.005+08:00

I wonder when was the very last time I had the privilege to sleep before 10:30pm. Yesterday, after don't know how many donkey months, I finally managed to go to bed at 9:45pm. It was unexpectedly early. I was supposed to wake up at 10 over to message my friend, but my alarm sounded and I didn't manage to hear it. So in the end, I slept through the night till today morning at about 7:30am. And later, I went back to bed at 9 and woke up again at 10. A good sleep indeed. After that long sleep, I still thought of not getting off the bed. If only I could sleep longer. Today I woke up with an aching body. Most of my right side was painful...sob:(

Never been so happy for such long time before. It's been almost a month and I still remain as happy as can be. I have been happy for as long as I can remember. Though there are bad times, but they never last. Seems more like joy is the main feeling of the entire day.

I have many many homework waiting to be completed. I don't at all feel like doing any. I think I'm going to go to bed early again today. Maybe I'll finish up some more important homework first.

Where are the brains of stupid and inconsiderate people?!

2009-03-05T15:49:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was great and horrible at different times.
The concert of Dunman High's CO was impressive, with the big tai feng and the sureness of everything being played. At that time, I thought that KCCO is nothing compared to their CO. Well in my heart, if everyone has the will to do well, it's possible. Becuase if there's a will, there's a way. I'm sure we will improve drastically in no time. Go KCCO!!

And on my way to the bus stop after alighting in school, I saw a bus 55. Though distant from the bus stop, I still ran after the bus. But that idiot driver just flagged me off. I was very pissed. It was 10 plus, maybe 11 and he know well enough that I'm a student. Despite that fact he still did what should not have been done. Why should he even be a driver when he cares so much about getting home as early as possible and rejecting passengers! That alone was enough to get me angry for a good whole hour. But all bus 55 drivers seem to be having so much fun rejecting drivers that even the next bus that came purposely drove far away and pretended that he saw nothing when my friend flagged for the bus. So I was angered to the core. Does it hurt to just pick up one or two passengers even when your bus is totally empty. Do drivers not have brains to think. I think that's true, because it always happens and it just irritates me off. I thought that the next bus that comes will not take us also, so I decided to walk down t0o the road when 55 is arriving. I didn't care about whether I'm going to get knocked down or not, because deep inside my heart, I just want to teach the drivers a lesson. I was fortunate enough that the third bus finally came to a halt in front of us and we boarded. My parents thought that something had happened to me, so my dad went downstairs, but just nice I got back. Ever since I was not able to board buses or waited for bus a very very long time, I had wanted to call up SBS and complain about their poor service. I had longed to have the authority to shout at them and take some actions. But in the end, I did nothing. It seems like as though I forgive the drivers everytime it happens, but in actual fact I am still slightly bearing a grudge about SBS.
All "if I could"s are forming in my head now.

Today, I suddenly thought of picking up Wu Shu or Taekwando. It seems related in a way. My Chinese name: 武锐真. Wu Shu:武术. the wu is the same. Maybe that's the purpose of my life. Learn wu shu and use that skill to save people's life. But I want to be a missionary to spread God's word. I want to go round the world to bring love, joy, peace and hope for people. I don't want to live in a world that fights. I don't like the idea of picking up a fight. But no harm learning wu shu to help others and save protect myself. I'm thinking if I should take up next time.

2009-03-02T22:47:00.005+08:00

Without God, I don't know what's life going to be like. This abundant life that the one and only God has given me is incomparable. Nothing would ever take the place of this blessing.

Today was raining heavily, and it was really really heavy. It took only 2 minutes for the floor to be flooded with water. But despite it all, a happy bright rainbow shone when it stopped. This shows that behind every sad thing, there'll be something good. Always look at the brighter side of life and you'll be able to enjoy life as it is. Forget all wrongs and remember only the good things. Make the best out of your own life.

Here's something to watch to show how small we really are. The universe stretching over miles and miles away. The greatness of God shows:

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1EAmfOu9lE&feature=related
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UE5sF1rdxM4&feature=related
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuF629DW9kI&feature=related
Part 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUCJ0HHMSbY&feature=related
Part 5: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6OoBEV10rjc&feature=related

2009-03-01T18:08:00.002+08:00

Somehow, today was a different Sunday. It was special to me. Special because I'm ecstatic about God and his grace upon me throughout the week.

I was ushering today. Though I woke up late, but still God allowed me to feel as though I was on time, because everyone was late today and so Youth Service started late too. And today's lesson was about how important prayer is. At the end of the lesson, our teacher told us that we have to shout what we learnt today, somewhere in church. So we decided to go to the playground. This was what we shouted: " Perseverance and persistence in prayer!" Fortunately we didn't scare off any little kids there.

To sum up this whole week, I would say it was a tiring and stressful week, but nevertheless a beautiful week that's worth to enjoy. The second last week is starting from tomorrow, before we have our one week break. But just before the break comes __ ________.

Another great week's coming up. All the homeworks coming in too.

PS. Happy Birthday Jocelyn! Hope you enjoyed your birthday:)

God Never Fails Me

2009-02-25T20:49:00.002+08:00

Ever since I started to be down, I realise how near and true God is. He never fails to be near to me. He always appear to me through different things and ways to touch me. I was fortunate enough to have asked Daily Manna to send me the daily devotion. The words or the main topic was always related to my day. Whenever I read it, it reminds me that God is near. It tells me how much God actually cares. Though it may sound very scary because God is always telling me what to do at the end of the day through Daily Manna, but I was sure that it's God's way to comfort me and bring me back to Him.

Though I don't really spend time to meditate on His words, but with the aid of the daily and weekly devotion by Daily Manna and Tyndale respectively, I am learning something new each and everyday of my life.

It's not yet the end of the week, but if it was and you ask me how was the week, I would say it was really bad. But if you ask me how was life this week with God? I'll tell you, God was great and so gracious that I always find comfort at the end of the day and new strength is found in me to face the following day.

Never have I experienced so much of God's love for me before, although I know in my heart that He loves me the same, everyday. But God showed me more of Him and I'm truly grateful.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him(Psalm 103:11).

Inconsolable

2009-02-24T21:15:00.002+08:00

I picked up a quarrel with my father today. No idea how it all started, but yes... whatever he said sure was hurtful enough to keep me crying non-stop. I guess I'm just troubled with many things till I have no idea how to handle. God was with me, but I still can't take it. Think I have to pray hard now. I'm so down, so inconsolable. Don't even know if I'll break down tomorrow.

That's the feeling of being adopted by a couple who adopt for the sake of company. Not one thing goes right. I doubt anyone can understand this. Even they don't even know what's running through my mind and I have no idea who else would. It's hard to find someone to talk to. That forever feeling of 'I don't belong here' or 'I'm just someone exta', lingers inside of me. I'm just hoping that someone would one day come up to me, spend time with me and get to know my life better. I don't want to keep that feeling in me anymore. It's bringing my happiness to nothing. I don't want to go up to people. And my reason for doing that is because I want to know who really cares about me. I'm double tasking. Releasing my troubles and finding who's the one who really do care and is a true friend. I've got friends who make use of me, and I hate that kind of personality.

Don't even think I'll be talking to my parents anytime soon. I waiting also for the time they would bother to talk to me, to learn more.

Suddenly, I feel like drinking and getting myself drunk. I've never tried that because I don't even drink. But if I could, I would.

2009-02-21T20:58:00.002+08:00

Again today, God showed me more of Him. Some sec 3 classes went to watch "Story of A Rabbit" at National Museum of Singapore. The theme of the whole performance was about death. Everything said felt quite true to me. And after that performance, in the bus, one of my classmate told me about what she had dreamt before. And the person in her dream that she was supposed to save(eventually didn't save) didn't happen to be her best friend...not even close friend. And that was when God spoke to me again. God said that you always have to treasure the people around you, even your most hated enemies. You won't know when everyone's departing from you. Save whoever you need to, even if you hate that person and that person hates you. You'll never know that that person would become your best friend in the future. Nothing is ever predictable.

I thank God so much for these two days. Everything that I did, didn't even make Him hate me or even blacklist me. Then so why should I do that to people around me. I apologise sincerely.

Since the beginning of the year I said that I want to reconcile with people and seek forgiveness, I have yet to do it till now. So I really wish that God will give me the courage to do this, once and for all. It's going to be tough.

Another packed but wonderful day passed. Amen to that!

In My Brokeness

2009-02-20T19:40:00.003+08:00

In my brokeness of Lisabeth solving relationship problem, I cry out to God and ask Him to release this heavy load. It hurts to see someone so close and dearly loved by me hurting emotionally. I understand that not many would be able to accept her for this period, but for me, I'm different. When she's down, I'm badly hurt to. It then occured to me that there's a possibility of me not being able to live in peace if she's not around. I've been caring so much about her, I wonder if she does that to me too. She's going to be my lifelong friend. And thinking of this, it so happens that God spoke to me. God told me that this is exactly how I would feel when I'm down. Broke down and thanked Him. Now I've understood and felt it.

In my brokeness of my E Maths results and A Maths paper, I nearly gave up. That E Maths was not difficult, but I didn't manage to score, just because of those careless mistakes made. I could have gotten 8 more marks if not because of thye fact that I had no time to check. And that last question that's worth two marks, I could have easily gotten it if there was sufficient time for me to complete. Such a waste... And A Maths paper, I'm going to fail it. Out of 7 questions, I knew only how to do 2. And out of the two, there's a possibility of me not getting them correct. Though I scribbled some workings for other 3-4 questions, I may still not get score, since I didn't even know what I was doing.

So overall of today, I was just down... In moments like these, God still cares. I never expected this to be sent to me by Daily Manna. It heals the scar. It brings me to Him.

This was what it says:

If you are a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, He says even in catastrophic times He is not only with you but longing to pour out through you. God's Word that you have been storing away in the quiet times with Him can be revealed through your brokenness. He sees your pain, and His heart breaks with your every hurt. You are dearly loved. Hold on to His promise that your brokenness is not wasted but releases His Spirit to do works of perseverance, power, character and hope.

When you are down, turn to God. He will never fail you, I assure you. God is good andd His love endures forever. I treasure this day though serverly hurt. It's through God and His Holy Spirit that I'm empowered to go on and not look back to feel sad about it, but to go on and learn from it.

Amen!

Life.. Life.. Life...

2009-02-18T21:59:00.003+08:00

Life wouldn't have been any better without God. The worries that come through your mind, that unsolvable problem you encounter and many others. That's why I say that life's great with God. Hasn't been a good start during January, but now, I see the days brighter than ever before. Despite those downs, there were still things to cover up and so the days goes past with me smiling. Gone are the days of bad and sad times. Now arrives the good and happy times for me.

The love is finally back. That longing for God. Seeing His grace being poured forth to me. Back then in 2008 was different. That forever distant from Him has finally been closer and closer. Gos never fails me. If He ever does, something good comes out in the end. Watching over me and never leaving me made me feel that someone do care for me. In times of sorrow when I had no one to turn to, only He was the one there before me to lighten my heart. Thank you Father!

Hey Ms Grace, nice walk home today. Gee.. Kay Kay.. next time if on Wednesday no rugby then come find me to walk home hor. Long chats once in a while is nice, especially with the fresh air and breeze. Haha! Lovez

Simplicity of Life! Carefree! Woohoo!

Sorry... starting to be a bit mental. Most probably because I'm much happier than before, so I laugh off about everything.